Tall Soldiers
by Brindabella
Summary: Time changes people. What happens when you’re forced to go back to that time and that place and see the person you’ve since become? What happens to fallen soldiers? Soldiers that once stood so tall in the face of adversity? FINISHED!
1. Make Believing

**Date began: August 19, 2006**

**Date finished:**

**Dedication: For Elle**

**Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to the writer. They remain property of Channel 7 and Southern Star.**

**Song credits: Eminem, The Dixie Chicks, U2, Destiny's Child, Tracy Chapman, Howie Day, Robbie Williams, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey**

"**Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle."**

**Grab: Time changes people. What happens when you're forced to go back to that time and that place and see the person you've since become? What happens when you've changed so much you don't recognise yourself? What happens to fallen soldiers? Soldiers that once stood so tall in the face of adversity?**

**Tall Soldiers**

**Step by step, heart to heart, left right left  
We all fall down...**

**Chapter 1 _Make Believing_**

"**You can't say no to the invitation Amy," he said into the phone. At the other end she rolled her eyes and then cast them over the mountains of paperwork that surrounded her. **

"**Why not?" she sighed, trying not to sound rude.**

"**Because I just won't take no for an answer," she could hear him chuckling at the other end of the phone line. He suddenly became serious though, as suddenly as the phone had rung in her office just moments before, interrupting the relative silence of the third floor of Homicide late on a Friday afternoon. "Seriously Amy, just come," he was almost pleading. It made her think back to Mt Thomas, and how life had been then – when you could just knock on someone's office door to talk to them instead of phoning being your only chance to make contact, even though you worked in the same building. A part of Amy did want to go back. "Please?" not often did Evan Jones sound desperate but he did right then. "You don't have plans do you?" As soon as the words left his mouth and entered her ear, Amy knew _he_ sure didn't have plans for the upcoming Christmas break.**

**She couldn't lie. Not to an old friend. Not to a colleague she had respected and admired so much and then ashamedly lost almost all contact with the moment they both moved to Homicide. She had previously blamed this on the fact that Homicide was just such a different world – a world so very different from Mt Thomas and a world one could easily get lost in. But really, it was no one's fault but her own. "Nah, I don't have any plans." Maybe it will be good to get away, she thought to herself.**

"**Good," he seemed so pleased – maybe he was ashamed at getting swallowed up by the Homicide monster so easily as well. "I'll see you there then." **

**Amy nodded and smiled into the phone. "Yep…see you there," she said goodbye with a wistful tone in her voice. Mt Thomas hey? Ha, didn't think she'd go back there so soon. Just three years away from the place and so much had changed. Going back would be quite an experience. But like she'd said to Evan…she didn't have any plans. So it was better than sitting at home on the couch at 3 o'clock on Christmas day watching a repeat of the carols by candlelight and eating two minute noodles.**

**Evan placed the phone back into its cradle and leaned back in his chair, his hands linked behind his head. He was going to go back to Mt Thomas for Christmas. And Amy was going to come too. They worked in the same bloody building, but barely saw each other. They were lucky if they saw each other in the line at the canteen once a month. It was almost scary what a big, bustling place Homicide was. Evan had quickly learnt why detectives from Homicide always looked so happy upon retirement. The job was never going to top the list of great jobs to have.**

**But he and Amy were addicted. It was in her blood as much as it was in his. What could he say? He was born to be a cop. He remembered back to his Mt Thomas days and the slow and painstaking move up from probationary constable to suited up detective. He was Amy's sidekick then – a role he hated and she revelled in. But it got him where he was today so he never complained. In police terms Homicide was the ultimate accomplishment. Like the Olympics were for an athlete. Or a perfect university entrance score was for a kid straight out of highschool. So he was stoked to get his position. Albiet a little afraid and feeling like he was way out of his depth, but still stoked. He and Amy got to Homicide that first day and Amy was shown to her office on the third floor and he on the first. That was the beginning of the end. Perhaps also the beginning of his very own demise.**

**Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win  
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers**

**Homicide was every man for himself. It wasn't what Evan Jones was used to. He'd worked as part of a brilliant team, and then closely with a great partner for a good half a decade. Homicide could not have been more different. It took a lot of adjusting. He thought often of his former partner on the third floor and how she was going. No doubt she had a steady handle on it all, as she always did with everything, he thought to himself. **

**It was hard to get used to. A sudden move. No friends around. A new position. A prestige squad. Sometimes he wasn't sure he could handle it. He didn't feel the same level of confidence in himself that he used to feel in Mt Thomas. It'd been like that for three years now. Wading through each day, every day getting a little longer and his body going a little slower. Even his mind ticked over slower. He often wondered if he had outgrown the job already. Perhaps he was in his prime in Mt Thomas, as just a uniform. Not a good look really, when he should've been reaching his peak as a detective in Homicide and growing old there like all the other guys did. Homicide was supposed to be the peak of ones career, not the downfall. The statistics showed the average leaver of Homicide was the ripe old age of 55. He still had a good 20 years to go then. So why had he lost his passion for the job? **

**He left almost everything he'd ever known behind when he came to Homicide. It was a small comfort to have Amy so close by, because she was all he bought with him, so to speak. Everything else was new and different and more difficult. The stakes were much, much higher. Not only that, but every crime was bigger, more gruesome and stayed with him for much longer than any crime ever did back in the sticks. He almost choked one morning upon waking up in his second year on the job. Back from his first Christmas break in Melbourne, he wondered if he could face another year of bizarre murders and broken families. Of horrific rapes and underworld gangs. It was hard to get out of bed that day. **

**But he did, eventually. And arrived just 10 minutes late for his shift. And no one even realised. Didn't really help the way he felt. Just reconfirmed what a team dynamic Homicide lacked and Mt Thomas boasted so proudly. And by the third year in Homicide he was seriously wondering what on earth he was still doing there, wearing stale suits and eating far too much take away food.**

**But then Alex had called. Lucky bugger was still in Mt Thomas. He'd never left when the rest of them had – last person Evan expected to stay. But he did, and married a local girl just 18 months later. Alex reasoned that 18 months was a long time, but Evan thought it felt so rushed. But he'd gone back for his mate, met the fiancee, gone to the wedding, and wished them good luck in their new life together. As rushed as it felt to Evan, at least Alex _had_ married and _did_ have someone in his life. More than he could say for himself.**

"**Come on Jonesy," Alex had pleaded, sounding a lot more laid back and stress free than everyone else around Evan seemed to be. "You know you can get a few days off…just a few days!" Alex was right, he could wrangle it, easy. Not like anyone would notice he was gone anyway. "Chris is reserving half the place for us…" he stated. "…you can't let her down mate!" Evan was beginning to give in. Mt Thomas for Christmas hey? Would be a nice change.**

"**Who else is coming?" he asked quietly.**

**Alex did his best to convince. "Oh everyone! Everyone!" That was what did it. Evan Jones promised to be in Mt Thomas by December 22. Alex hung up the phone, proud that he had managed to convince his old mate to pull himself away from the big wigs in the city for a couple of days.**

"**I don't even know these people Alex!" she whined annoyingly, throwing her hands up over her head as she tossed the pillows onto the floor and began peeling back the sheets and blankets. Alex stood opposite her and put his hands on his hips.**

"**They're my friends," he whispered, disbelieving and hurt she could be so unfriendly. **

"**Yeah!" she replied. "They're _you're_ friends, not mine. I don't know them at all," she looked pointedly at him as she climbed into bed, sitting up against the head board.**

"**You're saying it like you've never laid eyes on them Rhi," he remained by the side of the bed, still a little hurt. "You met them at the wedding…remember?" he raised his eyebrows at her.**

**She folded her arms across her chest and shrugged her shoulders, not wanting to say anymore. That was how their fights always ended. Rhiannon could turn off as quickly as the water changes from hot to cold when you're the last one to use the shower. It bugged Alex, but he'd tried before to resolve their fights, and never had much luck. So he got into bed, reached over and turned off the lamp and burrowed under the covers. On the other side of the bed Rhiannon did the same, and they slept, facing away from each other, the crazy love struck feeling that had engulfed them both just 18 months ago when they'd married all but gone.**

**Alex closed his eyes and tried to put it out of his mind. But it wouldn't go away. Memories of the workmates he'd gotten on with so well raced through his mind and despite just having a row with his wife, the woman he was supposed to be happy with, he perked up somewhat at the thought that they'd all be down for Christmas. It'd be just like old times. He needed to see them. It was the only thing that felt right.**


	2. Used To Be

**Chapter 2 _Used To Be_**

**Susie had got Alex's call as well. But she was harder to convince. More than anyone else, the past three years had turned Susie Raynor into a different person. And she could never go back to what she was in Mt Thomas. It just wasn't possible. So she said no straight away when Alex suggested she spend Christmas catching up at the ancient Imperial Hotel. The thought of facing her old colleagues, the ones who still thought she was in the job, who assumed she was a sergeant, who envied her her looks and figure, was too much to even contemplate. Because she wasn't that same person anymore. And it was best for everyone concerned if they never knew. What good would it do? It'd just drag the team down. She didn't want to spoil their Christmas. **

"**Suse," Alex sounded concerned and very taken aback. "I thought you'd be the first person to say yes," she shuffled uncomfortably in her seat, hoping her mobile phone would not disturb the quiet humming of the machines she was connected up to.**

**She didn't know what to answer. Ordinarily she _would_ have been the first to say yes, but she couldn't go back now, not now. Imagine the looks she'd get, and the questions they'd ask! "I'm sorry Alex," she said, trying to sound defiant. "I won't be able to make it. I already have plans," she lied, gritting her teeth as she felt her headache from the morning make its presence felt again. She cradled the phone in between her ear and her shoulder and rubbed at her forehead with her free hand. Tiredness came so often these days and so blanketed her with amazing speed. Suddenly she barely had the strength to keep listening.**

**But Alex kept trying to convince her. She listened silently for five straight minutes as he chatted on and on about who was coming and what he had planned and how much he was looking forward to catching up with the old gang. It made her heart break. She wanted to catch up with everyone as well – three years was a long time between drinks – but it just wasn't possible. "I'm sorry Alex," she said again, closing her eyes briefly as she spoke.**

**If I stopped lying I'd just disappoint you**

**As she hung up she felt a huge sense of guilt. Why couldn't she tell her friends the real reason? Why couldn't she confide in them, when once upon a time she trusted them with her life and they all lived in each others pockets? Three years really was a lifetime, as short as three years might seem. She sighed a heavy sigh and swallowed hard to force the lump in her throat back down. Resting her head back on the headrest, she closed her eyes and just moments later felt the nurse's hand on her arm. "Almost done darl," she said kindly, giving Susie's hand a pat.**

**Every week Kelly O'Rourke took a little detour on her patrol route to pass Tom Croydon's place. Every week she hoped that the trip would be worth the petrol. Maybe he would be outside…or in the garden…or taking a walk. But he never was. She always hoped to see him, but she never did. Didn't stop her from hoping though, and that was what made her drive past every week.**

**St Davids wasn't that far from Mt Thomas so it was not like it was a huge trip. It convinced her even more that there was no harm in taking her detour. The probationary constable she always did Friday afternoon patrol with had stopped asking why and Kelly was glad. How could one possibly explain the respect people felt for Tom Croydon? How could she possibly explain the friendship they shared? Or once shared, as the case may be…he was never in the garden, or on the verandah, and the weeds looked longer every week.**

**Falcon Price had poached Kelly from Mt Thomas just under three years ago. She had been hesitant to leave – the place really felt like home, and it was where her friends and her beloved Boss all lived – but the inspector was very convincing. And then Amy and Jonesy took off for Melbourne, Susie disappeared somewhere between Frankston and the Mornington Peninsula and Matt rejoined the army. Everyone was leaving anyway, so she said yes to the inspectors offer, packed her things and settled into St Davids as best she could, determined to make a whole bunch of new friends. And she was certainly busy enough to keep herself occupied, but she still heard through the grapevine about the rest of the old team. Joss gave up on the job – something she'd really seen coming for a long time – and proceeded to spend close to a year not doing much of anything, and unsuccessfully trying to get back on his feet, financially and otherwise. **

**She occasionally saw Alex around the traps – he was still in the job at least, and worked at the lonely one man station they'd re opened for the hundredth time at Widgeree. They would sit down and have a chin wag if and when they ever saw each other, which was usually at least once a week. But she was often turned off because of Rhiannon – that girl just rubbed her the wrong way. But she didn't say so. It wasn't her place.**

**It wasn't her place to disagree with the inspector either, now her direct superior, but he was someone she couldn't bear to call Boss. That was reserved for one man only. But she was so totally under his thumb now that she shuddered to think what everyone would say when they met up for Christmas. She was bracing herself already for the jabs and jeers and the shocked laughs at her expense. **

**It was never really where she planned to go, but three years ago when everything changed, she wasn't quite sure what to do for a while there. And the position had come up – with a strong chance of a speedy promotion – and so she just took it, thinking it'd be good for her career. Huh, good for her career maybe, not for her reputation. But she did the job, and still relatively enjoyed it. What more could a cop ask for? Constables bowed down to her nowadays and took her orders, and she no longer had to clean up vomit from the cells or pull over cyclists without helmets. She'd finally outgrown the bum job stage. Sometimes though, she still longed for the crazy days with Joss and the way they made everything a competition, eager to impress all senior constables and sargeants, and the one and only Boss. Those were the days. When you still had a million things to learn and you lived for it.**

**We were young and so inspired**

**We weren't the only ones who thought we'd change the world**

**The St Davids station was bigger, brighter and busier than Mt Thomas had ever been, but it lacked something at Christmas that Kelly really missed. The inspectors enthusiasm for Kelly's ability in the job did not extend to her love of decorating the office with tinsel in December. The place was as bleak as could be. December 22 could not come fast enough.**

**As Amy packed her things away later that afternoon, she took everything at a slower pace. Her thoughts drifted all the way back to Mt Thomas and the circumstances in which she'd last left it. That had to have been why it was Evan that called her up and invited her up for Christmas – Alex still remembered what had happened between them, and probably didn't have the balls to ring her himself. To be fair she didn't have the balls to talk to him. So they were even. Would going back to Mt Thomas for Christmas make things even worse between them? Were they bad to begin with? Or was it just a stupid mistake?**

"_**Amy!" she could hear the shout in the distance. It was Alex. She was wondering when he would come. She thought he'd forgotten, and actually felt a little hurt about it, as weird as that seemed. Why should she even care whether he came to see her off or not? He was just another uniform that she worked with. They were all the same…pretty much. Why did missing out on a goodbye from Alex suddenly mean so much to her?**_

_**She shoved the last of her boxes into the boot and slammed down the hatch, turning around, a sad smile on her face. This was the last person she had to say goodbye to. After that, she was going. The end of Mt Thomas. **_

**_He ran until he was about ten metres in front of her, then slowed to just a walk, his hands in his pockets and suddenly looking like he didn't want to get too close. They stood in front of each other for a few awkward moments, quickly realising just how little they'd gotten to know each other in the time they'd worked together. Now there was no time left. _**

"_**I just wanted to say goodbye," he whispered into his hands, unable to look at her. It wasn't the Alex Kirby she knew…the joker, the best friend of Evan Jones, the immature twat. She studied him critically. What was going on? He looked up, and studied her face just as critically. He'd never said to her all the things he meant to. And now he would never get the chance. But she looked like she didn't even care. He was just another colleague she was farewelling before heading off to the bright lights of the big city.**_

_**Amy didn't know what to say. 'Goodbye to you too?' it sounded so pathetic. Before she had a chance to think anymore about it though, he pulled her into a tight hug, and she was suddenly pressed against his chest in a desperate embrace. She looked over his shoulder and past him with wide eyes as he held her for just a few seconds. Then he pulled away and their faces lingered so close for a moment and she could see in his eyes he was thinking of what to do. Memories of what happened with PJ when he left came flooding back, and she was afraid it would turn out worse than that.**_

_**But he didn't kiss her. Like PJ, he just left a warm mark on her cheek and walked away. Somehow, it was worse. Had she wanted him to kiss her? Would that have put to rest everything they'd never realised they needed to say to each other? It was odd – she'd never felt anything even remotely personal for him up until that very moment. It was disappointing. But he walked away and she got in her car and drove out of Mt Thomas.**_

**More than a year later Evan called her, and told her Alex was getting married, and that she was invited. Amy nearly fell off the chair, and the farewell moment they had shared felt like just yesterday. She couldn't imagine him ever being married. Not Alex Kirby. But that's what Evan was telling her. And she actually went. It was almost a guilt thing – she felt like she had to go. He'd been kind enough to invite her to his wedding, he obviously thought something of her. It would've been rude to refuse the invitation.**

**But it killed her to be there. She sat beside people she didn't know, in a church she'd never been to, and watched Alex marry Rhiannon. It didn't feel right. It wasn't because she wanted him for herself. Amy Fox didn't think of Alex that way. But whatever she would allow herself to feel, they'd still shared something in the carpark that day. Had he forgotten? How could he have? He initiated it! And now he was getting married to some random girl who'd never been out of the district but thought she was as good as any high flying female executive from Melbourne? She sat like a stone during the ceremony, wanting to be anywhere but there, and did the same during the reception. The moment soon came when the newlyweds chatted with their guests.**

**Alex walked up to Amy at the only time during the night where she was sitting alone. Great, she thought, rolling her eyes at her annoying stroke of bad luck. She couldn't even smile at him, but he sat down beside her anyway, and shuffled his chair closer.**

"**Congratulations," she managed to whisper, trying her hardest to sound normal and unfeeling. **

**Alex responded with a look in his eyes that spoke volumes of what he wouldn't say out loud. "Thanks," he plastered a smile on his face and succeeded in tricking Amy into thinking he was happy. He turned his eyes over to Rhiannon on the other side of the room and grinned. "Hot stuff isn't she?" he laughed. **

**Hot stuff? Amy studied her from across the room. She was svelte and confident, pretty and glowing. This was her wedding night though, why wouldn't she? But she looked so material. Blonde and skinny, she wasn't the type of woman Amy thought Alex usually went for. It convinced her ten fold just how much he would never be interested in someone like her then. Amy could only nod in response to his question though, not able to say it out loud.**

**And with that, he flitted off to greet his other guests, and left Amy to sit by herself, not seeming to care that he might've hurt her feelings, too caught up in the excitement of being married to the sexiest girl in Mt Thomas.**

**You'll never see me fall apart**


	3. Shadows of the Past

**Chapter 3 - _Shadows of the Past_**

**Tom went to see Anna and the kids every weekend, but it wasn't the same. In the time they'd been apart something had changed. It wasn't like it used to be, as much as he adored Sam and Daisy. He felt uneasy around Anna and Susan, and couldn't help but feel he was less of their father now than he used to be. Perhaps that was how every parent felt when their kids grew up, but for Tom it felt so strong. He missed his girls. He missed his job. He missed his colleagues. He'd lost everything. And he had nothing to show for so many years on the job. Where had the time gone?**

**He'd retired when they closed the station. It seemed like the logical thing to do. No doubt what the inspector wanted him to do as well. The pressure became too much. He was constantly on his back to give it away. And he'd finally won. Policing had changed in Mt Thomas in the last half decade, and sometimes not for the better, so he was, in a way, glad to get away from it. But when he was packing away his possessions for the last time he knew he would miss it. What had made him want to throw in the towel? **

**When he was a young probationary, he'd loved everything about policing – getting his hands dirty, helping people, the thrill of the chase, firing a gun, fast cars. He didn't even mind the odd shifts. He knew they'd pay off someday. But things began to go pear shaped a few years back. He couldn't even put his finger on it really, which frustrated him. They were just things that happened in the background…you never really noticed them, but they were always there. And it was to be the end of Tom Croydon and his team. Once a buzzing metropolis of a station, everyone had all but left and it'd been that way for three years now. The station closed its doors, and they all went their separate ways. Sunshine Kelly to Falcon Price's stuffy station, Fox and Jones to Homicide. Peroni off probably back to his mothers – that'd be the smart thing to do – and Graham back into the army. He belonged there, it was a good choice, much better than the coppers ever were for him. Raynor disappeared off the face of the earth after staying in contact for a few months, although she did show up to Alex's wedding. They all did. And he's still there today – living the life Tom Croydon was a good 30 years ago, having earnt his little posting in the quietness of the country.**

**How had Tom Croydon grown so old? He never thought of the 'next generation' of young cops…he always pictured himself in the job forever, perhaps even remaining young forever. It's that invincible feeling novice cops get and it never leaves them, even if they don't admit it until retirement.**

**Dammit though, I'm going to go to Kirby's little gathering, Tom thought to himself the afternoon he got the phone call. **

**Nothing left to lose**

**Susie threw her phone back into her bag, which sat silently at her feet. She sighed and settled back into her chair, trying to make it comfortable, even though everything about her trips here was never comfortable. Her arm ached and her head continued to throb annoyingly. It made Alex's invitation seem all the more inviting. How badly she wanted to go. She missed her Mt Thomas pals'n'gals. It'd been a long time, and made even harder by her hiding herself away. She felt distanced from them now more than ever.**

**She'd found out on a Tuesday and it was now a day she had discovered things never went right. She woke up every Tuesday remembering that it was a Tuesday that she had been given her diagnosis, and the world had ceased to exist. She curled up into a corner in the back seat of her car and cried her eyes out all afternoon in the deserted carpark at the back of the hospital. She sobbed and sobbed, the tears just never ending, and she wouldn't believe something so awful could happen to her. What had she done to deserve something like this? She just wanted it all to go away.**

**That was almost two years ago. Today she was a different person. She still had her afternoons of crying every now and then, just her and the cat huddled under the covers in her monstrous bed. But she got on with life. What else could you do? It didn't make sense to just stop and never fight again. Where would the pride be in that? And she was able to keep it up when she didn't know many people in this town, a tiny speck of a town on the Mornington Peninsula where the population only went up from about 50 to 51 every year or so when someone had a baby. But then some oldie would cark it and they'd be back to sitting on 50 residents.**

**She'd enjoyed the quietness of the town at first. It was different to Mt Thomas, and she needed that. Boy did she need it. A part of her was almost relieved the station closed down. It was the perfect excuse to get away, to move on. Mt Thomas hadn't exactly been the terrific posting she had anticipated when she moved there in 2003. So many things had happened, she had lost so many people close to her, and she'd gone to hell and back as a cop. She wasn't sure how much more she could handle. People say Mt Thomas is a quiet little country town, but they are so wrong, Susie thought to herself. She'd read about the Mornington Peninsula in a travel brochure, and had liked the way it sounded so secluded. Perhaps it was just what she needed.**

**So she applied for a posting to the tiny town of Langara, and got it straight away. The brass was eager to get everyone out of Mt Thomas and start them afresh anywhere they could find. So Susie packed her bags and made the trip, settling into a small little cottage by the beach that sat behind the one officer station. She enjoyed the peacefulness of it all, and she settled in easily into the community. She was the only cop in the town, and it really was a quiet place. Normal days consisted of pulling kids over for not wearing their helmets, helping to repair fences and catching up with the locals as she passed them on her foot patrols. She was as much apart of the community as the landscape was, and it felt nice to have people relying on her. People relied on her in Mt Thomas too, but that was much, much bigger, and there was always someone else to share the load. But in Langara, everyone turned to her and she relished the responsibility. In her spare time, on the quiet days, she took to the books, studying a criminology unit externally from a university in the city. It was a simple life, away from the pressures of serial killers and rapes, and there was no irritating buzz from rampant drivers or spewing crooks like there always was in the Mt Thomas station.**

**After a while though, Langara became a little boring. Or at least that was what she thought it was. Susie moved listlessly through the day, feeling more and more tired as the days wore on. After several weeks of the same boring routine that seemed more boring than ever, she finally went to the doctor. And that was the Tuesday that changed her life.**


	4. Encounters

Chapter 4 _Encounters_

Alex had met Rhiannon on a call out one night. He was hoping for some excitement, and he sure got it. **It w**as 11pm, a Saturday night, but in Widgeree that didn't mean constant call outs and neighbour complaints like it did in inner city Melbourne, or even in Mt Thomas. In Widgeree, it meant exactly the same as it did every other night – quiet quiet quiet. Nothing ever happened in Widgeree.

So when Alex got a noise complaint from the Harrison's about a rowdy party just before 11 o'clock on that Saturday night, he drove to the address actually hoping something would happen to make this Saturday not like all the rest of them always were.

He screeched to a halt at the gate to the property and saw that the house was well lit up from the inside, and figures inside were dancing around wildly as the music pumped, almost making the ground vibrate. Shaking his head, amused, Alex made his way through the gate and up the long driveway to the front door before pounding on the door in a vain attempt to get the occupants inside to hear his knocking.

After several minutes the door at last swung open and Alex was greeted with a tall red haired young woman, her hair mussed up, streamers hanging off her shoulders and an overflowing glass of champagne in her hand. She tried her best to stand still in front of Alex, but she quickly lost her footing and fell into him, laughing her head off. He managed to catch her, but couldn't save the glass of champagne and it fell from her hand and shattered onto the concrete doorstep. A million tiny pieces of glass spewed out over the footpath and the girl, tangled in Alex's arms, stared wide eyed at it as her reactions caught up with her actions. "That glass was a wedding present of my Mum and Dad's," she whispered, slurring her words as Alex stood her back up. They both looked down at the shattered champagne flute, and Alex just didn't know what to say.

It didn't matter though, because the girl threw her hands in the air a second later and stumbled back into the house screeching for her friends. "WHO CARES! I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! I'LL GET MORE!" she screamed as she walked away. Alex leant into the house and saw a posy of giggling, completely smashed girls jumping up and down in the living room. Empty champagne bottles littered the side tables, and music blared from the stereo that had been set up on the mantle piece. Empty party popperswere everywhere, and Alex picked his way inside and over the mess.

It was useless getting their attention. They were gone. He stood there uselessly for several moments before he saw the finest female creature he'd ever laid eyes on get up off the couch and make her way over to him. She was leggy and attractive, a model in every sense of the word. Her blonde hair hung loose over her shoulders and she walked with a confidence that Alex immediately envied.

"Sorry about the noise," she yelled into his ear. "Did the Harrison's ring you?"

Alex could do nothing but nod, not wanting to yell back at her.

She nodded back knowingly, rolling her eyes. "So sorry," she apologised. "It's Ash's hens night," she explained. "We were just having a bit of a celebration." She seemed embarrassed at the disturbance they had caused, and the mystery about her only increased. She looked like an international model, yet she was as quiet as a flower, as reserved as ever, and probably the only one not drunk in the room, beside himself. She reminded him immediately of Amy – they were so alike, at face value anyway – and he found himself drawn to her silence.

"Can you just turn down the stereo a bit?" he asked her, making his way back to the front door, eager to get away from the pounding music, and back to the relevant silence of the patrol car.

She nodded, following him to the door. He sensed her behind him and wondered why she was following. Perhaps she was just being polite? Or perhaps she felt the indescribable feeling towards him that he suddenly felt towards her. He continued to walk out to the car and upon reaching the gate, turned around to face her.

"I didn't even tell you my name," he said quietly, feeling the warm night breeze. "Sorry," he apologised, shoving his hands in his pockets, embarrassed and feeling like a kid on his first date.

'That's all right," she replied, seemingly just as shy. She pointed to his name badge. "I already know it," she laughed quietly, just enough to make him feel insecure.

Every week or so Kelly received a text message or two from her old probationary buddy. To anyone else, the texts would have sounded desperate and needy, but Kelly didn't mind. Although she did get the feeling that Joss didn't realise how often he messaged her, always spinning the same tired line – "Hey Kel…gotta catch up soon! What've you been up to?" She always replied back telling him her news, but he never told her what he was doing. And funnily enough, they never caught up.

She wondered if he was coming back for Christmas. Probably not – too many bad memories for him she guessed, like there seemed to be for everybody. But even Kelly didn't know the extent of it all. She was distracted from it though by the plague that followed her…the plague called David. It hadn't worked at all, as blissful and perfect as it may have seemed three years ago, and they had split just after she moved to St Davids. Problem was, he still worked close by, becoming a local identity in five seconds flat, and they constantly bumped into each other. It also didn't help that their professions practically went hand in hand.

And that Thursday she bumped into him yet again on a routine call out to a convenience store. Ordinarily, she wouldn't have gone on the call out, but she felt the need to escape the stuffy station, and so made her newest probationary feel nervous by tagging along for the call out with them. Kelly sat in the passenger seat as they headed out there, and daydreamed as she watched the landscape drift past. Tomorrow afternoon she would be on holidays…ahhh holidays. They were so very few and far between in this job.

They arrived at the convenience store just minutes later, and were confronted with the distraught shop owner, who burst out onto the street when she saw the approaching patrol car. She was tiny, and very very Italian. She spoke so fast Kelly had to ask her to start again when neither she nor her recruit could understand a word of what she was saying. If only Joss were here, Kelly thought to herself wistfully – he'd jabber on in Italian possibly even faster than her and everything would be sorted in a flash. But Joss wasn't there, and Kelly had to calm the shop owner down before she burst a blood vessel.

In a flurrying panic the shop owner dragged Kelly over to her shop front…or what was left of it anyway. She cried and moaned and put her head in her hands and spoke broken English between her sobs. "Brick! Brick!" she picked it up and waved it in front of their faces. "I get note too! Yesterday!" she dug it out of her apron pocket and waved it too in front of Kelly's face.

Kelly sighed and grabbed for the note, eager to put an end to the incessant waving. She read it wearily and sighed at the racial expletives it was coloured with. Yay, she thought. Racial hate crimes. She sighed again and blew her fringe out of her face.

"Did you see anyone around today Mrs…?" she asked, trying to get a straight answer from the flustered woman.

"Felesina!" she chirped, her voice still high pitched and panicy. "Only new man next door!" she seemed to speak in exclamation points and it was beginning to give Kelly a headache. Mrs Felesina pointed a chubby finger at the neighbouring store front. It was blank and looked vacant and Kelly cocked her head, studying it closer. As she did so, the door opened and out walked David Murray, an annoyed look on his face.

"Oh great," Kelly cursed under her breath. She straightened her hat unconsciously and approached, knowing it was her duty. But he butted in before she even got a word out.

"I thought your job was to keep this town safe Kelly," he sneered at her, frowning and seeming thoroughly annoyed.

"And since when did you have your headquarters here?" she spat back, just as rudely.

"Since last week," he replied, strolling over to Mrs Felesina's smashed front window and kicking at the millions of tiny fragments of glass that spilled out onto the footpath.

Kelly rubbed at her temples in frustration. Now she definitely had a headache. She couldn't wait to get back to Mt Thomas.


	5. A Ticket to Anywhere

**Chapter 5 _A Ticket To Anywhere_**

**Evan drove along the highway silently, not even the radio playing in his truck. As soon as he'd hopped into the car that afternoon, he was eager to get to his destination. No plans for Christmas and it would just be another day at the office. Another Christmas in the trenches. That wasn't going to happen this year. He was going back to catch up with the old crew. And it felt good as he drove.**

**It had been a good 8 months since he'd been in Mt Thomas, but he knew the road well. Well enough to just drive, and let his mind wonder at the same time. He wondered who would be there when he arrived and what he would say to them. It suddenly occurred to him that he should've prepared something to say earlier and panicked, he took a few quick sharp breaths in, trying to gather his thoughts. He had nothing worthy to say, nothing to boast about…whatever would he say in answer to everyone's questions? What would he say to Amy? To Tom? To Suse? He felt like a failure, and almost turned around and went back to Melbourne.**

**But he didn't. Instead, he wound down the window and let the fresh night air tingle at his face as he drove on, closer and closer to Mt Thomas with every sign he passed. Out the window, the roadsides turned dustier and greener, the closer he got to the country and the stars finally became visible in the night sky. You could never see stars in the sky in the city – it was something he missed about country life.**

**Star light, shine bright**

**See me through the dark night**

**Finally, just before 7pm, Evan's truck rumbled into the Imperial Hotel's carpark. He stretched as he jumped out of the car and set his feet firmly on the ground. He couldn't help but smile – it was good to be back. He power walked inside, eager to see the crew Alex had promised. The same familiar smells and sounds echoed from the pub and Evan walked inside without hesitation, only to be greeted with the same scene he so fondly remembered. And there, parked in the corner table by the dart board were Alex and Rhiannon Kirby. **

**Alex saw Evan as soon as he entered the bar and lurched himself happily out of his chair and away from his pucker faced wife to greet his best friend. They slammed chests hard as they hugged and patted each other on the back, unaware of how much the both needed to see each other.**

"**Jonesy!" Alex cheered, the way he always did when they hadn't seen each other for a while. **

"**Good to see ya mate," Evan replied, thumping his shoulder candidly as they both made their way over to the table Rhiannon still remained seated at. Alex pulled out a chair for his mate, and they both took a seat, Evan finally making eye contact with Alex's wife. "How are you Rhiannon?" he asked, almost calling her Rhi, but deciding against it at the last second. Nicknames were reserved for people you knew well, Evan thought to himself. And that was not Rhiannon.**

**She gave him a blank, bored stare in reply and spoke as if it were a huge inconvenience. "Yeah…fine," she answered, raising her perfectly manicured eyebrows at him, as if challenging him to ask another question, just so that she could beat him down again.**

**Evan turned away quickly, mortified at her rudeness. To avoid another awkward moment he got up and headed to the bar, beckoning Alex to follow him. Alex was only to happy to oblige, putting on a front that he hoped looked genuine. Together the two men leant on the bar and waited for Chris to have a spare moment to notice their return to the old watering hole they'd spent so many memorable years frequenting, back in the day.**

"**So tell me again why you married her?" Evan asked quietly, leaning in towards Alex and nudging his side with his elbow. He stared intently at Alex, more confused than ever as to why his best mate and this unfeeling blonde had gotten hitched. He had never really warmed to Rhiannon, but he could never say that to Alex. He did his duty as a mate and was the best man. It wasn't his place to speak of his dislike of the girl.**

**Alex exhaled, uneasy for the slightest of seconds as he tried to think of an excuse to change the subject. An expression came over his face just a moment later that fooled Evan surprisingly easily. With a roll of his eyes and a wave of his hand Alex succeeded in making Evan think his marriage to Rhiannon was still on stable ground. But he still hadn't changed the subject, something that would take the heat completely off his personal life. Luckily for Alex, Evan unknowingly changed it for him.**

"**You know what," he began, a sad tone entering his voice all of a sudden. "I haven't seen Suse since your wedding!" he seemed saddened and disgusted with himself at the same time, a sort of wistful sentiment that seemed out of place in the buzzing Imperial Hotel on a Friday night.**

**Alex cringed inwardly, and as he tried to hide his face from his best friend, knowing it would give away the bad news, Evan nudged him in the ribs yet again, harder this time. He regarded Alex with narrow eyes, knowing he hadn't told him the whole story. "She's still coming right?" he asked, suspicious.**

**Alex sighed, knowing he didn't have the energy, or the heart, to lie to his friend. "Sorry mate," he began, feeling nothing short of awful. "She can't make it," he revealed, wincing as he spoke.**

**Evan stood up straight at the bar and gave Alex's shoulder a shove, annoyed. "You said everyone was coming!" he said, dismayed and hurt. Everyone meaning Susie, he thought to himself. She was the only one who mattered. He came back here because he thought she'd be here too, and maybe they could mend some bridges.**

"**I know I know," Alex replied, rubbing at his temples. Getting the gang back together had been harder than he'd anticipated. "I tried to get her to come Jonesy!" he pleaded. "But she flat refused!" he shrugged his shoulders, still miffed at the way Susie had spoken to him on the phone that day. She hadn't sounded at all like the Susie he knew. He shrugged his shoulders again at Evan, trying to get his point across. "Said she had other plans," he looked confused at his friend, and they both tried to picture what Susie could possibly have in mind for the Christmas break. They knew she wasn't married. They knew she was still in the job. Her parents lived miles away. Why wouldn't she want to come back to Mt Thomas? Didn't she miss them too?**

**When Amy got home on Thursday night, December 21, she flung her briefcase into the corner of her bedroom, eyeing it angrily. God it was Christmas, so why was there always more work to do around this time? Didn't she deserve a bit of time off too? **

**She flopped onto the bed and sighed, linking her hands behind her head. Maybe she should stay in Melbourne over the break and try to get ahead in all the mountains of work? Maybe she didn't need a holiday? The possibilities turned over in her mind. It would be nice to spend Christmas like it was actually Christmas for once. It'd be good to get away from the city…sometimes it went too fast for her liking. It didn't have pace and that casual, easy feeling that the country did.**

**She lifted herself onto her elbows and scanned her eyes around her bedroom, taking it all in. It was so lifeless. Totally lacking character, it contained little more than a bed, a closet, a side table and an armchair. When she'd moved in she hadn't felt like she needed anything else. Simplicity was always her middle name. But looking around at it now, the same way she had looked at it for three years, it suddenly looked unbelievably boring. And lifeless. Lifeless most of all. She had nothing to show for three years of living in this place. When had she lost all her individuality? When had she started to let her work lead her life for her?**

**Bothered, she got up and padded out of the room, determined to see character in other parts of her flat. She walked down the hallway and into the living room and flung herself onto the couch, scanning her eyes around her humble abode. Giving a quiet gasp she realised it was just like her bedroom. It said nothing about her. It was boring and lifeless. Her life had been this way in this city. What was she still doing here?**

**Later that night, as she wandered home from the takeaway on the corner, she made a decision. Christmas would be just like any other day if she stayed in Melbourne. She had to get away…at least for a while. She packed a suitcase when she got home, set it at the front door, and went to bed early, setting her alarm for 8am the next day.**

**Mt Thomas was waiting for her.**

**Any place is better**

**Started from zero, got nothing to lose**

**Friday, December 22, was the day Alex had told Tom Croydon to meet with him and the rest of the old crew at the Imperial for a drink that night. Alex promised he would be there early to greet them, whatever time they wanted to rock up.**

**With little else to do during the day, Tom actually ventured outside and sat on the verandah with Fridays Gazette. He sat and read solidly for an hour, reading the paper from cover to cover. As he read, the tiniest part of his brain wondered though. He should have had a Blue Heeler lying by his feet, a slobbery tennis ball in its mouth, ready to go the moment he rose from the chair. But there was no dog at his feet, and it felt so odd. Even after all these years without Digger, it still felt weird not having him around. **

**The back page now embedded into his brain, Tom let the paper fall to his feet in a pile of shabby greying pages. Squinting, he looked out at his front garden. It wasn't far to the fence…not really much to keep up. But it still looked terrible. Weeds choked the few flowers that poked up from the earth, and the grass was at least knee height. When had it got so bad? He could barely see the footpath that lead up to the verandah steps! **

**He sighed…gardening just didn't seem interesting enough these days. But looking out on the jungle right then he was disgusted at his lack of effort and immediately got up to gather some tools to at least try to make the place look presentable. As he walked down the side of the house to the back shed he remembered back to when Susan and Anna were kids. The grass never had the chance to grow knee height then, because the girls and their friends constantly trampled it down with bicycles, rollerskates, rolly pollys, hand stands and games of chasey. The flowers that the girls planted with their mother bloomed brightly, random patches of colour everywhere…and the girls loved it. They always said it was like a rainbow in the front yard. He smiled at the thought.**

**Two hours later he felt a sense of achievement. The lawn was mowed for the first time in months, and he could almost hear the squealing of the girls and their friends again as they played after school. Determined still, Tom settled onto a mat and began pulling out the weeds that were flooding onto the footpath that lead to the verandah. Later he would clean it up even more with the edge cutter.**

**Ignoring the pain in his back and knees, Tom continued all afternoon, pulling up weeds, and giving the petunias and daisies a new lease on life. As he worked, he allowed the sweet musky smell of the wattle from the house next door lace his nostrils. It was a smell he not only remembered from his daughters childhoods, but also his own. He worked diligently, not even noticing the cars that drove past occasionally, until he began to feel the bite of mosquitoes on his arms. Dusting off his knees and dragging the mat behind him and back onto the verandah, he made his way inside to have a shower and prepare to go for that drink Alex had promised.**

**December 21. Susie pretended she had forgotten the date of the get together in Mt Thomas, just so that she wouldn't feel guilty about not going. But it was always in the back of her mind. She knew that by dinner time tomorrow everyone but her would be back in Mt Thomas, sharing a Christmas drink and catching up. She missed being there already. How she longed to go back. How she longed to find the right words to tell them all what was wrong with her.**

**Even the best fall down sometimes**

**She was grateful at least that another day at the hospital was over. She wouldn't have to go back until after Christmas now. It was a relief off her shoulders. Now she could just sit at home and watch tv with Tigger, the cat she had adopted when she had moved to Langara. They could work their way through all the videos at the local video store, because she knew her replacement at the station wouldn't let her lift a finger to help him with any sort of police work that needed to be done. Not that there would be much anyway. Langara was worse than Widgeree.**

**As she showered that night, washing away the awful smell and feeling of the hospital that lingered on her skin, she succumbed to the weakness that often enveloped her and sat down in the shower chair that the doctor had insisted she place in the shower a few weeks ago. It annoyed her – made her feel even more like an invalid – but there were some days when she was grateful to be able to sit down. Everything these days was an effort. But she refused to believe it was because she was getting closer to the inevitable.**

"…_**It's closer than you may think Susie…"**_

**Later, she settled onto the coach and Tigger immediately jumped up and snuggled in beside her. She flicked on the television, but twice through all the channels she discovered there was nothing on. But she left the set on anyway, for some normal sound to keep her from daydreaming. As the late news mumbled quietly from the glowing television, Susie remembered back to that Tuesday. It wasn't something she wanted to keep going over, but even after all this time, it was hard to forget, and it was often on her mind when she was alone, because alone time always gave her too much time to contemplate.**

"…_**but you hear everyday of people recovering from this right?..."**_

**Susie's mind briefly drifted back to when she was 14. It was a good year for the Raynor family as a whole. The boys won their footy premiership…her father was promoted…Susie went for, and got, prefect at school…and Aunty Bree recovered. That Christmas had been one of the best she remembered – they'd toasted each other over a big Christmas feast and celebrated their good fortune of that year right through from Christmas Eve until New Years. It made Susie smile. And now, looking back on it, Aunty Bree's recovery was what stuck in her mind the most. She had beaten this retched disease, and she was still alive today to tell the tale. **

"…_**it's just so advanced Susie…I'm sorry…"**_

**Given a few months, would Susie still be alive to tell her tale as well? Would her friends ever know the truth about her?**

**I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure  
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders  
I am never supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it**

"**We taking the usual route back today?" Sarah asked shyly, as they both got back into the car after they'd packed up their equipment from the roadside. Another day of catching speeding motorists was over.**

**Kelly nodded sombrely, briefly wondering why she forever remained so hopeful that she would see Tom Croydon out and about. He never was. But yet she went past every Friday afternoon anyway. Maybe one day things would change.**

**Sarah took a deep breath and prepared to ask her big question of the day to her superior. "Would it be ok if I went into the milk bar and bought a paper while you went past the Senior Sargeants place?" she asked, fully expecting to be knocked back and reprimanded. She rushed on to compensate, just in case. "It's just that my sister had a baby on Monday and the notice should be in the paper today and I just wanted to have a look…"**

**Kelly nodded, patting her young rookie on the knee. When had she turned into a senior constable that the young ones feared? Was she really that hard on them? As a probationary herself, back in Mt Thomas, she'd always promised herself she'd never be that way – she'd be a friend to her colleagues. They'd all be equal. "Of course Sar," Kelly smiled. "I'll come back and pick you up in ten ok?" Sarah grinned, ecstatic at the opportunity to get away from what was such a boring ritual that seemed to mean so much to her colleague. She bounded out of the car and across the street to the milk bar as Kelly cruised on down the street.**

**Taking the familiar streets on her way to Tom's house, Kelly kneaded the steering wheel as she drove. Why did she bother? He was never…**

**There he was. He was actually outside. Kelly gasped, and the car swerved as she forgot about driving for a second. He knelt on a tartan picnic blanket and yanked at the weeds that choked his flowers. Kelly was so shocked that she had to pull over and stop the car for a few moments. It had been a good year and a half since she had even seen him. Work and some form of social life always prevented catch ups and while she did make the effort to drive past his place every week, never did she expect to actually see him one day, after so long of not seeing him. She leant onto the steering wheel and just watched him – the man she had looked up to her entire life – as he pulled at the weeds and dug at the earth with his gloved hands. Glimmers of the old Tom Croydon were still there somewhere, even if on the outside he looked like a lonely old man who had nothing to live for anymore. It bought a tear to Kelly's eye, and she covered her mouth to hold down the sob that threatened to escape from her throat. **

**When her father was killed, he was the one who was there for her. Never a replacement, but always a friend. How could she let such a friendship go? She decided right then that she would always be apart of Uncle Tom's life, no matter how much he didn't want her there.**


	6. Death Warmed Up

Chapter 6 _Death Warmed Up_

She wasn't coming. Suddenly the trip seemed worthless. All that petrol. All that time driving. All that agonising over what to say to her. He wondered why he'd put himself through it all. It was just like it always was between him and Susie – crap. Nothing ever worked out between them, no matter how hard they tried. Why should now be any different?

The look on Alex's face said it all. He _had_ tried to get Susie to come, with everything he had. He knew Jonesy would want her there. And he hadn't understood her blatant dismissal of his invitation. He'd pondered it for days afterward, and it still got to him how he couldn't figure out her tone of voice. It was lucky Jonesy hadn't been the one to ask her to come.

Evan sat himself down on a table by the pool table and glumly watched the players as they chatted amongst themselves and jeered each other across the felt. This wasn't how he imagined the trip panning out at all. He had thought perhaps he and Suse could sit down, catch up, and maybe make amends for what had gone wrong in the past, and try and figure out a way to live with the way things had turned out. But now she wasn't even coming, and he was going to miss that chance.

Alex sat down beside Evan and placed a beer in front of him in a weak effort to cheer him up. It didn't help, and Alex and Evan sat glumly at the table, avoiding Rhiannon and her icy stares and waiting for the rest of the crew to show up…if they even would. Because, hey, Susie wasn't coming…who was to say everyone else was definitely coming too?

Amy trundled out the door early on December 22, her bag in her hand and her sunglasses on the top of her head. As she jogged down the stairs she realised how eager she was being. Mt Thomas was waiting, and suddenly she couldn't wait to get there. Grinning for the first time in weeks, she jogged across the carpark at the back of her block of flats and opened the boot quickly, throwing her bag inside before slamming down the hood. Racing around to the drivers side door, she was pumped, and jiggled the keys on the ignition, keen to get going. Maybe she could make it to Mt Thomas for lunch…

Nothing. Frowning, Amy turned the key again. But not even a burble. She tried a third time, and when she got the same result again, a colourful rainbow of expletives left her mouth as she slapped the steering wheel with her hand, frustrated. She leaned back for a moment, and closed her eyes as she rested her head against the back of her seat. A set back…that was all she needed, especially when she was so eager to get away from Melbourne. She sighed and pulled out her mobile phone from the depths of her pocket and dialled the RACV.

She tried not to sound annoyed as she spoke to the operator and told them where she was located. It wasn't their fault. But it was not easy keeping a kind voice on when she was told the wait could be up to 2 hours. "Two hours!" she exclaimed into the mouth piece as the sun bore down on her through the windscreen.

"I'm sorry," the operator sounded genuinely sympathetic. "It's Christmas…everybody's on the road. And everybody's breaking down." Amy sighed heavily and rubbed at her forehead. "There will be someone in your area soon. But that's the best guarantee I can give you."

"OK," she replied. "Thanks," she said numbly before hanging up. She leaned forward and rested her head against the steering wheel, all the excitement of five minutes ago now all gone from her thoughts. Was this a curse? A sign that maybe she really should stay in Melbourne over Christmas? She threw her phone onto the seat beside her and watched, annoyed, as it fell down and onto the floor, hidden almost entirely underneath the glove box. She rolled her eyes at it and went to open the door, deciding to enjoy the sunshine that was blessing Melbourne so strongly that day, when the phone actually rang faintly from down on the floor of her car.

Heaving herself over the two seats, she reached down, stretching to grab the phone off the sandy floor of the passenger seat. She caught it on what was probably the last ring. "Hello?" she answered begrudgingly, stepping out of the car fully this time, and sitting down on the curb in the early morning sunshine. She shaded her eyes with her hand and heard Evan on the other end of the line.

"Are you on the road yet?" he asked, the reception crackly and departed between their mobiles.

"No," she sighed again in reply. "I think I've got a flat battery…I'm waiting for the RACV," she rested her elbows on her knees as she spoke into the phone. "Where are you?" she asked, out of pure curiousity. She didn't see or hear much of Evan nowadays.

"In the office," he replied, with the same sort of sigh. "I've got heaps to do before I can leave." He sounded sad at the thought and Amy realised he must be as eager to get away as she was. Maybe they needed holidays more than they both realised.

Kelly walked into the bar just after seven thirty. She scanned her eyes around and immediately spotted Jonesy and Alex crying into their beers over by the dartboard. As sad as they looked, she was ecstatic to see them, and bounced over in her usual fashion, a grin erupting quickly over her face. "My boys!" she greeted them, patting them on the backs and jolting them out of their depressive states. They turned their heads up to her and gave her bleak stares. She returned the looks with raised eyebrows. "Wow, you two are full of festive spirit aren't you?" she teased them, sitting down and joining them at their table, snatching Jonesy's beer out of her hand and taking a swig for herself. It was a move so _Kelly_ that the two men couldn't help but crack a smile. If anyone could light up a room, it was Sunshine Kelly. She finally got them out of their bad moods as she chatted incessantly about the upcoming break and how happy she was to be back in Mt Thomas.

Evan nodded happily, trying to forget about Susie. "It's been too long Kel!" he agreed, ordering her a beer as a welcome present. They sat happily and drank for a good half an hour, allowing their sombre mood to slowly lift away from the group, aided of course, by the alcohol they were consuming. But Alex held back somewhat more than his friends, and Kelly noticed this with a touch of interest. She watched his eyes drift around the bar, as if expecting to see something or someone else, but quickly flitting away whenever he cast his eyes over Rhiannon, who sat bored in a chair by the dart board, talking on her mobile phone like a city yuppie.

Kelly leant across the table and gave Alex a gentle slap across the face to bring his attention away from his prickly wife and back to their table of slightly sombre Christmas celebrations. "Hey Kirby!" she teased. "Mind back on the job!" she grinned, enjoying taking the piss out of her former colleague. He shook his head in a daze and looked back at her, trying to collect his bearings. Evan and Kelly watched him fumble around embarrassingly and chuckled behind their hands. Whilst Rhiannon wasn't at the same table as them they felt free to bitch about her, and tried to rescue Alex from brooding over the poor state of his marriage.

"Sorry?" he asked, as dazed as ever. He picked up his beer and drank it thirstily, trying to hide behind it almost.

"So, who else is coming Alex?" Kelly asked, still chuckling at the poor state he was in.

Alex looked at her like he hadn't heard her for just the briefest of moments, and then answered whilst Evan slipped back into his dark mood over Susie instantly, having just been reminded again that she wasn't coming. "Oh, pretty much everyone," he replied, smiling at last. Just the thought of almost everyone of his old crew being back together again immediately made him feel better. "Suse can't make it, and neither can Matt of course, and I haven't heard back from Joss so…" he trailed off, looking at Kelly for an answer on the Joss mystery.

Just like Evan, with the mention of a name from the past Kelly suddenly slipped under the weather, although she tried her darndest not to show it. Instead she bought up the topic of Susie, unaware it was the last thing Evan wanted to talk about. Luckily, a distraction walked into the room just as Alex went to explain Susie's absence, and Kelly looked up, and smiled widely at who she saw there.

Tom felt a little anxious as he strolled along the footpath in the direction of the Imperial. What was he doing? What was he getting himself into? He no longer had power over these people. They no longer looked up to him. He would only embarrass himself showing up to Kirby's gathering. He stopped by the park and considered turning around and going back home. He could easily skip the occasion and sit and read the paper and have a drink on his own. But then he got a whiff of the summer air and realised how long it had been since he had actually been out walking – any time of day – and how good it felt to be treading the pavement. So he continued and just 10 minutes later was at the door to the Imperial, having already seen Jones's truck as he walked through the carpark. So at least one of his old kids was there. He and Evan had butted heads quite often in their last few years of working together, but despite this, Tom looked forward to seeing him, and walked confidently into the public bar.

As he entered through the heavy purple curtain that separated the foyer from Chris Riley's bar, the first thing that caught his eye was his little blonde bit of sunshine. She sat at a table with Kirby and Jones and noticed him the moment he stepped into the room. She flashed a big smile at him of course, in true Kelly style, and it made him want to approach the table and confront those who used to think of him as their leader.

"BOSS!" Kelly screeched, immediately getting up from the table, nearly knocking over her chair in the process, and giving him a tight squeeze. She was always a hugger…and he liked that about her. He gave Kelly a kiss on the cheek, determined to be at leats half the person he once was. The person he knew others fondly remembered and reminisced about, because he simply wasn't like that anymore.

I know that when you look at me

There's so much you don't see

"How are you Kelly?" he smiled down at her as they sat down at the table with Alex and Evan and Chris bought over a fresh tray of drinks. Kelly babbled on and on about how she was and how good it was to see him and have him there tonight in answer, as Alex and Evan continued to cry into their beers so to speak. It didn't take long for Tom to comment on it – he just couldn't help it.

"Well, aren't you two the picture of happiness tonight?" he chuckled, folding his arms across his chest and leaning back in his chair as he mocked them playfully. "You look like death warmed up."

The looks he received in reply to the comments made him not take it any further. His sixth sense sensed it was a tense issue, and he and Kelly silently agreed not to mention it anymore. Instead they proceeded to cheerfully banter on about what direction their lives had taken them in since they had prematurely split three long years ago. There was a lot to tell, but the four of them only shared the good stories – Kelly didn't mention David, Alex didn't mention Rhiannon and Evan didn't mention Homicide (or Susie). And Tom didn't mention much of anything – what was there to tell? But he happily listened to his kids stories and they all travelled a bit back in time as they waited and waited for Amy to arrive. She was well late, and the later it got, the more they all looked at the clock.


	7. Reaching Out

Chapter 7 _Reaching Out_

"Sorry you had to wait so long love," he said, heaving open the bonnet of her car and poking his head inside. It was after 4 o'clock – Amy had essentially waited an entire day for the RACV to come and fix her car. So much for spending lots of glorious time in Mt Thomas. And the long wait had meant she had had plenty of time to chop and change her mind about going. Did she want to go? Did she want to see Alex? Did she want to see his Barbie doll? Did she want to see her old Boss? Did she want to be forced to see the type of person she had become? She sincerely hoped Evan had changed in the same way she had, because then she wouldn't feel so awful about what sort of person the last three years had turned her in to.

"So you going away for Christmas are ya love?" the mechanic asked. Amy was taken aback by his cheery nature – usually RACV guys are so rude and arrogant, she thought to herself.

She stood by the front door of her car and leant against it, her arms folded across her chest. She squinted in the sun as she answered. "Yeah," she replied just as politely. "Going back to the sticks. Meeting up with some old work friends," she explained.

He nodded. "Oh yeah, whereabouts?" he asked.

"Mt Thomas," she surrendered the name of her little hideaway.

"Oh Mt Thomas! Yeah I know the place!" he smiled, looking up at her, a spot of oil on his cheek. "My daughter did some of her prac at the hospital there. She's a doctor now," he boasted proudly.

"Oh yeah?" Amy knew keeping up the conversation with this stranger who was fixing her car would make the whole ordeal less annoying and awkward.

"Yeah…she's not there anymore though. She works at that big hospital on the edge of the city now…that new one they've built you know?" Amy nodded in response. "She's been flat out busy I tell ya love, we never see her anymore! But she loves it," he smiled, clearly proud of his doctor daughter. He went back to working on the car, his hands quickly becoming covered with grease as Amy watched, no clue what he was doing, but just hoping it would get her car started again, because really, she did want to go to Mt Thomas for Christmas.

"So what is it? What's the damage?" she winced, hoping it wouldn't hurt her hip pocket too much. She walked over and leaned into the bonnet with him, but being sure she didn't get any grease on her clean self.

"Oh nothing to worry about love," he smiled as he straightened up. "Just needs a new battery," he shuffled off to his bright yellow car and pulled a fresh one out of the back. "I'll have you on the road in 15 minutes," he assured her, winking. And with that he got to work installing the new battery as Amy turned over the engine every time he told her to 'give it a burl now love'.

Finally, just before 5:30pm, he left, and Amy got into the car again, put a cd into the player and shoved the key into the ignition. She held her breath as it burbled into life and didn't let it out until she was out of the carpark and on the road. She breathed a sigh of relief – she really was going home for Christmas.

But the traffic was heavy everywhere she looked. A trip that usually took just under 2 hours took well over three. Knowing they would be wondering where she was, she wanted to call, but knew that would only put her further behind schedule. So she continued on her journey, ploughing through the holiday traffic and reached the Imperial Hotel just after 9pm. She was flustered and embarrassed at her lateness, even though Evan did know she had had car trouble, and probably would be later than expected. She hoped he had explained this to the others. Still, even if he had, she was embarrassed to be the last to arrive.

So embarrassed that she fell into the public bar in a hurry, rather than the reserved, quiet way she thought she would, and the way she always had when she had lived in this town. So everybody noticed her when she entered. Quite a few heads turned from their drinks and stared at her. But not one of them was a cop. Where was everybody? She looked around, downhearted. Had she missed the gathering all together? Surely not!

"Amy!" came the voice from the behind the bar. It was Chris Riley of course. That woman was born in this pub, and she was going to die in it. Amy smiled and leant on the bar, her eyes question marks.

"Where is everybody Chris?" she asked, smiling and leaning over to hug her old friend.

"Oh Amy," Chris began, returning the hug. "They've all gone home for the night," she gave Amy a sympathetic look. "Some of them did start pretty early…" Chris was referring to Alex of course, but Amy could only guess. "But I think a few are left in the parlour, if you wanna go have a look." She cocked her head in the direction of the secluded nook of space that was the parlour, and Amy nodded and headed that way, determined to catch up with at least one of her old colleagues tonight, after she had travelled all this way.

As she approached, the room was silent, and she almost walked straight past, thinking no one was in there. But a cough and a shuffle told her there was in fact someone in the lonely parlour, and she opened the door a crack to see who it was. And there, sitting in the comfy leather armchair was Tom Croydon, sipping at a night cap.

"Boss," Amy began quietly. She half stepped into the room, leaning on the door, and smiling down at him. It had been a long time since she'd seen Tom Croydon and suddenly he was an old man. She was surprised. But in three years a lot can happen Amy thought to herself.

"Fox," Tom replied, shocked. He stood up to meet her and actually leant over to hug her in greeting. They were old comrades now, even if three years was a long time. He pulled away and looked her in the eye, a smile creeping into his expression. He was genuinely pleased to see her. "How are you?" he motioned for her to join him in the parlour and she did, taking a seat in the arm chair opposite him.

Tom remained perched on the edge of his chair though, as if ready to leave at any second. And he confirmed this when they began chatting. "I was just about to go home," he said sadly. Amy looked at her watch – it was late. Late for Tom Croydon. Late for Amy Fox. Late for everybody. She understood. They chatted for a few minutes and then promised to catch up the following day. They needed to see more of each other, to try to remember the way things used to be and how good they were. Amy stood at the door to the parlour and hugged Tom goodbye.

She didn't feel like moving on herself yet, and so sat back down, alone in the dimly lit parlour. She could smell the smell of the old leather and of the alcohol that sat at the bottom of Tom's glass. She could hear Chris stacking the chairs up in the bar and piling the glasses one on top of the other before taking them into the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher. She'd well and truly missed the big gathering. Thank goodness for tomorrow. She sighed and rested back into the chair closing her eyes. She hadn't done much of anything but yet the day had exhausted her.

Footsteps wondered past the parlour door, and they heaved a big sigh as they went. It wasn't Chris, and so Amy got up and walked to the door, stepping just outside of it. "Alex!" she gasped, shocked to see him standing just metres from her. They had not spoken since his wedding. He turned around in a confused sort of way, as if he hadn't really known where he was going to go had Amy not called out.

"Amy…" he answered, looking wistfully at her from over by the stairs. "We thought you weren't coming," he smiled at her, but didn't make any move to get closer to where she stood.

Amy waved her hand in the air and rolled her eyes. "Car trouble," she dismissed the irritation quickly, just wanting to forget about what it took just to get her here. But she felt like talking. Everyone had gone home, and she'd missed the chance for the first catch up, but for some reason was bursting to just chat with someone. She hadn't really got to with Tom, but now here was Alex…and they probably needed to talk.

It was at that moment that Chris joined their awkward silence. "I'm closin' up guys…did you want to go? Or will you lock up for me?" she asked, looking like she was longing for her bed.

"We'll lock up for you Chris," Alex answered instantly, suddenly getting the same look on his face that Amy had. He needed someone to talk to, and Amy noticed immediately.

"Yeah Chris, you go to bed," Amy smiled at the publican and took the keys from her hands. Chris nodded appreciatively and headed upstairs.

"Want to sit outside?" Alex asked, his voice dreary and glum. Amy nodded silently, disbelieving of the person standing before her. Alex Kirby was never like this. What had happened to the larrikin? The joker? The immature twat? Much like herself, he was a changed person.

They wondered outside and sat down on the curb that edged the carpark. The night was cool and still, and the moonlight shone brightly down on the now quiet town through a cloudless black sky. They sat with a little distance between them, but somehow still, the words flowed easily, something Amy had not been expecting.

"How've you been?" Alex asked, staring at the ground and fiddling with a piece of grass he had picked from the curbside.

"Oh you know…same old same old," she chuckled falsely, knowing it was a huge lie, yet at the same time the story of her life. "How about you?" she sat staring at the ground also, letting the keys dangle from her fingertips.

He didn't come out with a tired old excuse like she had. There was no lying, no embarrassment, no pretending façade. Just raw feeling. It was the real side of Alex for once, the part no one really ever got to see. "I miss the old crew," he whispered, still staring at the gravel between his knees. He looked up and into her eyes a second later. "I miss you, I miss Tom, I miss Jonesy…I miss everybody. I miss the way things used to be. The way we used to have it all," the look of sadness on his face was indescribable.

"But you're married now!" Amy replied, taken aback. "You do have it all Alex. A beautiful wife, your own station, a senior sargeants position! What more could you want?" Say you want ME. Amy's brain clicked over a million beats per second as she stared right back into his eyes, returning the rawness.

"Would it be wrong to say I don't want any of that?" he seemed so ashamed and unsure. He stretched out his legs in front of him, and leant back onto his hands.

But she didn't have an answer. Was it wrong? Was it wrong to say she didn't like being in Homicide anymore? Wrong to say that she didn't like the person Homicide had turned her into? As she pondered this Alex shuffled closer all of a sudden and Amy held her breath, scared beyond reason about him being so close. "What about you? Anyone special?" he asked, clearly curious.

As always, Amy blew it off and chuckled quietly before heaving herself off the curb and heading back inside. "Who would want me?" she laughed as she said it, walking back into the hotel.

Alex watched her as she walked away from him, up the stairs and into a stale room where the night breeze didn't circulate enough. "I would," he called out, just loud enough for her to hear. Amy stopped dead in her tracks, and turned around, staring him down intensely. "You don't have anyone Amy?" he asked, concerned.

She bowed her head, ashamed. "No," she whispered, a lump threatening to rise in her throat.

Alex got up and walked over to meet her by the door. The keys still dangled from Amy's fingers and she fumbled with them, flustered. "Why not?" his questions were so simple and to the point, she just couldn't avoid answering them.

"I don't know," she admitted quietly, not able to meet his eyes. It was the truth at least. She really didn't know. But when he reached out and held her hand in his she did know. He made her look him in the eye. He was silently asking her to take the plunge, but she trembled and shook at the thought. They stood there for a minute before he spoke again.

"Amy?" he whispered.

"I don't want to do anything stupid Alex," she said at last. "Especially with you." She gave him a lingering look that spelt out all her fears about anything personal and turned and walked back into the hotel.


	8. Recoiling

**Chapter 8 _Recoiling_**

**Susie tossed and turned on the night of December 22. She was plagued with the images of her friends all meeting up again, and catching up on each others lives. She always imagined herself as being there with them. Even after she was diagnosed, she didn't think she would hide away like she was right now. But time changes people. Above all things, that was what Susie had realised the most in the last three years.**

**She lay in a hot sweat bought on by the heat of the evening and her condition. It never failed to make her feel retched. But she always struggled on. She always fought her own battles. She always had. She fought for that prefect position, just like her brothers had fought for the premiership, her father had fought for his promotion and Aunty Bree had fought through her tough times. Susie admired them all. She might die trying, but she was still going to try.**

**She laid on her side and looked out the window. She couldn't see very far, so it didn't provide much of a distraction and so she found herself thinking of the gathering she knew would be going on right at this moment in the pub. They would be sitting around the table, laughing and joking, downing beer after beer, and catching up on old times. How she longed to be there with them. But they could never understand. She could never go back. What would they think? She had effectively lied to them all for two years now.**

**It was 9:30pm and she was nowhere near sleep, and so didn't mind when her mobile buzzed on the side table. Lighting up the room, the phone sang a merry tune informing her she had a message. She picked it up and read the message silently, wondering who it could be, even though she should've already guessed. **

"_**Suse, was hoping you'd come tonight. It's not the same without you here mate."**_

**Of course it was Evan. Who else would it be? But she placed the phone back on the side table and went to sleep without replying to his message. It was Evan she could tell her secret to least of all.**

**The next morning dawned bright in Evan's Imperial room. He'd forgotten what it felt like to wake up with the sunlight piercing him in the eye through the curtains. He'd had years of waking up that way, but in the city, the lifeless cold city, it didn't happen. Not in his flat anyway. But today the sunlight made him smile. He didn't know what he was going to do with the day, but he was eager for it to get started, and so threw back the sheets and padded down the hall to the bathrooms.**

**Two hours later he was so bored he was washing dishes for Chris in the kitchen of the Imperial. He couldn't believe it. Alex had organised this shin dig, why weren't they all doing stuff together? Not that Evan really wanted to spend his entire Christmas break with Rhiannon, but he had been so looking forward to seeing all the gang and having a real Christmas relax. But this morning they had all scattered, and Evan didn't even know where to look to find them, as small as this town was.**

**By late afternoon though, they were all there and gathered once again in the bar. Kelly sat and chatted to himself and Alex as much as she could manage after a failed attempt to be kind to Alex's wife and include her in their Christmas drinks. Evan rolled his eyes at Rhiannon – what a snob. She wasn't right for Alex at all. How could he have married her? What a mistake! Alex didn't usually make mistakes that large, so Evan knew he was nothing short of miserable. But he had little idea of how to help his friend.**

**As Kelly chattered away, Amy wondered in, her arms laiden with shopping bags – an unusual sight on somebody like Miss Fox. But he smiled at her anyway and she indicated she would be two minutes, flurrying upstairs to put her bags away and then walking back into the public bar. She eyed Alex briefly, and sat as far away from him as she could manage without it looking obvious. She took a seat beside Kelly, who was more than happy to have another female perspective inputted into her conversation and soon Amy was enveloped into Kelly's grand speech about women drivers. But Evan noticed the way she avoided looking at Alex, or Rhiannon. She occasionally smiled at him, a brief I miss you smile, like the old friends they were, but she made no effort to do the same with Alex. Evan smelt a rat, but he was distracted from this instantly when he cast his eyes over the entire group as they sat there in the bar. It was just like old times. They were all together again. But Susie still wasn't there. So the night wasn't complete. He feared she was not coming at all. The night before when he had sent her a text message he had hoped feverishly that it would convince her to make the trip and see them all. But no reply had come. He'd considered calling, but decided if she wasn't going to answer a text message she certainly wasn't going to answer a telephone call. So he had gone to bed with her on his mind.**

**He shoved out his chair and excused himself from the table. He couldn't help it - he was going to message her again. He walked out into the quietness of the foyer where the staircase stood silently and plopped himself down on the second last step. Digging his phone out of his pocket he carefully wrote the message, being careful not to sound harsh or needy. But it didn't really come out as well as he'd hoped.**

_**Where are you Suse? We really were hoping you'd come! Please make the trip…I'd like to see you. Evan.**_

**It sounded pathetic, but he pressed the send button anyway. What did he have to lose? The worse that would happen is that she wouldn't come.**

"**Jonesy?" Amy wondered over to him. Her hands in her pockets she stood in front of him and looked down at his slouched stature on the stairs. "What are you doing?" she asked, a tiny smile on her lips, the kind she always wore when she knew she was ranked higher than he was and could therefore be the better cop.**

"**Oh nothing…" he replied quietly, truly disheartened that it had taken now two text messages and still the one person he truly wanted there more than anyone else to spend Christmas with probably wasn't going to come. "Just sent Suse a message."**

"**She's not coming is she?" Amy asked quietly, finally cottoning onto how awful Evan was feeling. She sat down beside him and, completely out of character, put an arm around his shoulders. He just stared at the floor between his feet and sighed as he replied.**

"**Nah, I don't think she is."**

**Rhiannon climbed out of the passenger seat in her clacky heels that scraped at the rocky gravel carpark surface. "Where were you last night Alex?" she asked suspiciously, glaring at him across the top of the car as he exited the drivers seat. "You were gone for ages…I had to wait at Elle's for such a long time!" she was so angry, and it made Alex boil over with anger also.**

"**Christ Rhi!" he exclaimed. "I was just catching up with the guys!" he sounded exasperated as he finished his sentence before walking towards the Imperial entrance.**

**Rhiannon folded her arms across her chest in unwilling defeat. She sighed a snobby sigh and walked ahead of Alex into the hotel. "Yeah well don't expect me to stay here with you all night again tonight buster!" she proclaimed. And with a swing of her hips she entered the hotel and walked right up to the bar, snapping her fingers rudely at Chris to get her attention. Rolling his eyes Alex walked right past her and settled at the opposite end of the bar where Jonesy sat miserably tearing apart a coaster.**

"**What's up with her?" Evan asked, not even lifting his head to look at Alex. **

"**Oh buggered if I know," came the reply as two beers were set in front of them. They cried into their glasses again until Kelly showed up and they all gathered around the same table they had the night before for more reminiscing and story telling. "…he still messages me every week…" she explained to the guys, trying hard to maintain their attention spans. IT wasn't working very well though, and later when Amy walked in and joined them at their table he noticed that she chose the seat furtherest from his. Alex leant back in his chair and sighed, rubbing at his temples. How had they suddenly stopped being friends? Had a few garbled sentences in the carpark that probably revealed a little bit too much ruined it all? Now she wouldn't even look at him. He sighed again and then watched as Rhiannon strutted out of the bar, annoyed that so little attention was being paid in her direction. She farewelled Alex with an uncaring flick of her hand and walked back into the night. Alex would have to walk home. Another sigh.**

**As he agonised over the state of his marriage yet again in his mind, his best mate excused himself, looking drearier than ever. Alex watched as Jonesy walked away, his head down and his hands in his pockets. Funnily enough it wasn't the way he'd imagined someone from Homicide would walk. Pondering this he turned back to the table and rested his elbows on the wood finish as he watched the two women before him chatter away. It was a totally different Amy too, and as he watched he got the distinct feeling that she was only talking so much to Kelly so that she wouldn't have to talk to him. This was not the way he had pictured the gathering turning out. What had happened to them? They never used to be like this.**

**Finally, she couldn't take it any longer and went to find Jonesy. Kelly and Alex stared at each other and tried to think of something to say. "Rhiannon left has she?" Kelly asked finally after a few awkward seconds. Alex nodded sombrely in answer and decided to call it a night himself. He got up and leant on the table, downing the last of his beer. "Can I scab a lift Kel?" he asked, embarrassed at the situation his wife had left him in. She nodded kindly in reply. Like Tom Croydon, there was nothing she wouldn't do for this man. He had once been her superior, and she would always look up to him. **

**Together they walked out of the hotel and into the cool night air.**

**Kelly was curious. Alex was married, and so why did it look like he didn't want to be? As he sat in the passenger seat of her car she broached the question to him, tensing up through her shoulders as she spoke, in fear she might be beaten down for asking such a personal question. "So what is up with Rhiannon?" she asked quietly as they drove back to Widgeree.**

**Alex shrugged his shoulders at her, not knowing how to explain his dire situation. How could he possibly explain that his marriage was a mess and that he possibly had feelings for a former colleague, a colleague that did not seem to return his affections? It was embarrassing, and not how the story was supposed to go. But Kelly was honest, and trust worthy, and he decided of all people he should probably open up to her, even if he was ashamed of the way he had allowed himself and his life to fall apart.**

**I'm supposed to set an example  
I need to be the leader, my crew looks for me to guide 'em**

"**We're probably not as right for each other as I first thought," he admitted to Kelly quietly. She looked at him quickly as she drove as he stared out across the paddocks from out of his window. She kept quiet, not wanting to interrupt him as he revealed what he probably never had before. "She lives her life, I live mine," he sighed and popped off his seat belt as Kelly pulled into the driveway of his tiny hut behind the Widgeree station. Inside, the lights were off and the place looked extremely unwelcoming. Not someone I'd like to go home to, Kelly thought to herself. But Alex jumped out of the car anyway. Leaning in the window he finally flashed her a smile. "Thanks for the lift mate," he farewelled her.**

**She nodded and smiled in reply before backing back down the driveway and making the trip to St Davids. Poor Alex, what has happened to our fearless leader? She thought to herself sadly. Everyone had changed.**

"**Oh piss off Evan!" Susie mumbled as she reached for her phone again, like she had the night before. Of course, the message _was_ from Evan. Who else would it be? He wasn't going to give up. She sighed and read the message. Screwing up her face she almost pressed 'reply' but thought for a moment and then didn't. She threw the phone angrily onto the floor beside her bed and turned over in amongst the sheets. She wasn't going back. She wasn't. She wasn't.**

**She was.**

**Christmas Eve approached slowly, and, her shopping done, Amy quickly found herself bored and listless and hanging around the hotel. Chris was busy and so they couldn't chat, and Tom was nowhere to be found. Evan was still moping around crying over Susie's absence, and while she did understand that it meant a lot to him, she had other things on her mind. If she had to spend another torturous night in this bar with Alex staring at her she was going to hightail it back to Melbourne and hope to make it there by Christmas morning.**

**But he was hard to avoid. Cops in this district for so many years now, the officers who formerly housed Mt Thomas station had holiday time coming out of their ears. Alex was hanging around like a bad smell. And he ambushed her in the parlour at 4pm on Christmas Eve, where she was actually quite enjoying reading the Gazette she had stolen from Evan's room. She had a cup of coffee beside her, one Chris had made for her specially, and she was almost looking forward to Christmas dinner tomorrow.**

**He came in and sat opposite her, watching as she held the paper up in front of her face to avoid eye contact with him. It was a childish move, but she couldn't help it. He made her feel desperately uncomfortable and vulnerable, like everything she was thinking was laid out on a platter for his eyes only. Behind the pages she blushed furiously, scared at what a conversation – a conversation like the one they'd had the other night – might bring.**

"**Amy," he began, sounding exasperated already. **

**She peaked over the top of the paper, looking at him, still hiding her fears behind the pages. She raised her eyebrows in silent question and took a breath in, hoping he wouldn't hear.**

"**Look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for the other night. I shouldn't have put you in that position." He stared down at his hands, admitting a truth he didn't want to. "You're not interested and that's cool, but I think I probably just needed to get out how I felt." **

**Amy continued to look at him, her eyes getting wider and wider. His face was pink with embarrassment and she finally began to understand perhaps what Alex's marriage was all about. But he walked out of the parlour without saying anything more.**

**She called out as he exited. "Whatever I might feel, it can't happen Alex. You're married. I could never step in front of that."**

**He turned around at the parlour door and connected gazes with her again. "Why can't it happen?" he asked wearily.**

"**Because you're married," she repeated, folding the paper in her lap.**

**He was trying so hard to make her understand. "But my marriage means nothing," he admitted sadly. He surprised and saddened himself at the same time. He had never admitted it out loud before. It was a huge let down, and a startling realisation.**

"**Marriage can never mean nothing Alex," Amy protested. "I mean you married her for a reason didn't you?" Surely he had married her for a reason!**

"**What would you know about marriage?" he asked, verging on sounding rude.**

**Amy didn't have an answer for that one. He was right. What did she know about marriage?**

"**My marriage means nothing to me, because it was something I should never have done. It means nothing to me, nothing to Rhi and nothing in general."**

**No reply again. Evan went to bed disheartened and woke up the same way the following day. After getting some support from Amy the night before, he thought perhaps she would hang around on Christmas Eve, but she seemed distracted and floated around the hotel, going up and down the stairs, into the kitchen, into the dining room…finally, just before 4, he lost sight of her. Sighing, he retreated to Chris's bar yet again to tear up her coasters. She never seemed to mind – he'd done it often enough in the past and she'd always just smiled and listened to his woeful stories and offered him beers. Today was no different, except he wasn't in the mood for drinking.**

**By 5:30pm, the bar was beginning to fill up with friends and families toasting each other and more friends and families chowing down on a big Christmas dinner Chris had put on. Everyone was in such a festive mood, because tomorrow was the big day, but Evan was feeling more unfestive than ever. She hadn't even replied. Now that was just rude! He couldn't help but be a little pissed off, although she probably had a perfectly good reason he supposed. Still, it had spoilt his Christmas and he sighed again as he reached for another coaster to tear to shreds.**

**He sat there for another half an hour but soon couldn't stand the noise any longer. It was a packed house that night. "I'm calling it a night Chris," he called out to the bar maid. She looked as though she wanted to reply, but she was too busy. Instead she just gave him a wave and a smile as she bustled off to serve more drinks. Evan shoved his hands in his pockets and made his way through the crowd to the door that lead to the stairs. It certainly was a packed house. He had to take his hands out of his pockets and move people aside as gently as he could manage to get through. A sea of heads stood in his way between the door and the stairs, but as suddenly as he had gotten off Chris's bar stool, one head stuck out to him. It was the shape of the neck, and the back of the shoulders that gave her away, because it certainly wasn't the hair. It was Suse.**

**We sealed our fate with our first kiss**

**He looked at her for the longest time before actually approaching, and every second that he stayed away and just stared made her feel even worse inside. He didn't know it, but the trip had been a hard one, and she had taken a taxi instead of driving. She just didn't have the strength left. She felt retched and she knew she looked it too, and knew in the back of her mind that it was a good thing she had come. She had needed to. But Jonesy didn't know that, although he was learning amazingly quickly just by taking in what she looked like at that very moment in the crowded Imperial Hotel foyer.**

**He opened his mouth to make a noise – a gasp, a deep breath in, a curse – but nothing came out. He was gobsmacked by what he saw. It was Suse all right, but never before had she looked so dreadful. Just the sight of her struck fear into him as they maintained eye contact across the room. He watched as her face crumpled slightly and she looked fleetingly back to the door as if deciding to ditch the whole idea of revealing her secret and running back home. Not that she would ever get there. Not tonight. Not with the way she was feeling.**

**The look on her face compelled him to walk over to where she stood by the door, almost oblivious to those around her. He took in her pale features and the silk scarf that covered her head. She couldn't hide the dark, hollow rings under her eyes, even though he could tell she had gone to some effort and tried to make up her face. As he approached, her expression remained the same…a little crumpled. As he got closer she began to look as though she was going to faint and when they were close enough they didn't even speak. She simply took a step towards him and half fell, half placed herself into his hold, and they stood there for several moments in their hug. He didn't grip her tightly, because she didn't look like she could take it, and this was confirmed for him when she simply hung limp against his chest, her eyes closed and her breathing uneven. **

**As Evan held her, not knowing what on earth to say, Alex walked in from outside. He looked downhearted also, and a pissed off look clouded his face and the way he walked until he looked up and saw just who Evan was holding onto. He stopped suddenly and, just like Evan and Susie, became oblivious to all those around him, even though the hotel was now louder than ever.**

**Evan connected gazes with his best friend and raised his eyebrows at him. In response Alex mouthed a 'what?' and kept back whilst Evan racked his brain trying to think of something to do or say. But nothing came to him, despite the need to increasing as the noise got louder, and then Amy walked into the room also, sad eyes directed at Alex, but then, just like with Alex, she stopped, stared and kept her distance respectfully when she saw the scene before her eyes. Suddenly the exchange of words between herself and Alex earlier were not the issue at that very moment. **

**Evan began to panic slightly as Susie didn't move from his chest and he sent frantic looks to his friends, asking them what to do. But they stared back at him with the blankest of stares. Susie's arrival had shocked them even more than it had Evan. They stood back and simply watched, so unsure of what was going on, when finally it came to Evan. He pulled at Susie's forearms and at last looked her in the eye. But he didn't know what to say. She stared back at him with a heart wrenching stare that made him die a little bit inside. He had been longing to see her, but like this? It wasn't what he had pictured. At long last he spoke, raising his voice just above the din of the foyer so that she could hear him.**

"**Should we…" anyway he said it it would sound wrong, but he said it anyway. "Go upstairs?" it was more of a question that anything he'd ever asked anyone before, and he waited patiently for an answer, still disbelieving that Susie looked like she did and she was sagging in his arms right back in the place where 'they' had begun.**

**Susie nodded weakly in answer and they walked up the stairs, taking each one slowly, agonisingly, carefully, one at a time. It didn't seem like Susie could handle much more. But Evan remained patient, in the hope she would tell him what the hell had happened since they had been apart. She was barely the Susie he used to know, and so vividly remembered. **

**Moments later they were at the door to his room, and he unlocked it quickly, something inside him making him so concerned for her welfare, even though he didn't know what was wrong. They drifted inside and he sat her down immediately onto the bed, and she looked grateful for the rest. She looked up at him appreciatively and he breathed a sigh of relief as he saw the same look he always had deep within her eyes. At least that was the same…because nothing else about her was.**

**You don't have to be afraid of what you are**

**Evan crouched on the floor in front of her. He bought a hand up and placed it on her knee, and as he did so she closed her eyes, not in pain, but something else that at that moment, Evan couldn't understand. She turned her head away from him as she closed her eyes, and he saw how deep her eyes were sunken into her face. It broke his heart. What had happened to the Susie he once knew? The Susie he had fallen so extraordinarily head over heals for?**

"**Suse?" he almost choked out his words – the reality of the situation they were now in was beginning to take effect on his emotions. This was like a bad dream. A scary, bad dream he had never wanted to see for real. But it was happening and she sat in front of him, a shadow of her former self.**

**Instead of answering him though, she simply eased herself down onto the bed and rested her head on the pillow, folding her hands underneath it. She at last looked into his eyes for more than half a second, and managed a smile. It made him smile back, but his eyes still remained questioning. "What's happened to you?" he breathed, fear in his voice and a veil of sadness enveloping his senses on that Christmas Eve.**

**She shuffled over and spoke finally. "Just lie with me," she whispered. Even her voice different. It had taken on a sad tone, a defeated tone, and it was one Evan barely recognised. But he obliged with her request and placed himself down beside her and she instantly sagged into his arms again, just like she had downstairs. What is this? Evan worried as he held onto her. He bought up a hand and unwittingly went to stroke her hair, but moved his hand away at the last minute. Instead, he stroked her cheek and his finger caught the first tear that fell from her eyes. They quickly became a steady rush and he was now more curious than ever. He had to know. So he pulled her away from him and held her cheek in his hands, looking into her tear filled eyes.**

"**Suse…" he pressed his lips together as he took in her pitiful expression and it finally struck home to him. Something was seriously wrong with his girl. She was sicker than sick.**

**She took a wobbly breath in and looked up at him with her glassy, tired eyes. "I wasn't going to come," she whispered. "But I didn't want to…and have you never knowing why," she cried into her pillow. "I wanted to tell you myself."**

**Fear raced through Evan's veins. Did he really want to know? Did he really want to know what had snatched away his golden girls livelihood?**

**I worry I won't see your face light up again**

**Amy and Alex stared at each other, transfixed, trying to take in what had just happened. Alex couldn't think of a single worthy thing to say and so walked into the bar, leaving Amy behind to stand dumbfounded in the foyer, collected Kelly and quietly mentioned what had just happened and without seeing if she and Amy were following, made his way up the stairs and down the hallway to the room he knew was Evan's.**

**As he approached the door, he heard Amy and Kelly's footsteps hurrying along behind him and as he raised his hand to knock Amy grabbed it hastily away, frowning intensely at him and what he was about to do. She shook her head violently and pulled him away from the door. Luckily, Alex got the drift, and they stood around uselessly in the hallway for a few minutes, unsure of whether to go down stairs or stay where they were. Finally they just sat down in the carpeted hallway and leant against the wall, not really looking at each other, and certainly not talking. What could you say? They were all as miffed as each other, but something made it seem even worse. They all feared the worst without even knowing what was wrong with their former colleague…and what had made her come back, fall into Evan's arms and then lock herself in his hotel room with him and him only. It was a mystery indeed.**

**Plus Alex was still feeling burnt from revealing the horrible truth about his marriage to the woman he thought would understand. Well, no, he hadn't thought she would, because he had always found Amy to be an almost cold, unfeeling person when it came to things like this, but he was hoping that just once, in his hour of need, she would change her tune. But she had silently, stubbornly, hurtfully refused and Alex had walked out of the parlour that afternoon not wanting to go home to Rhiannon and not wanting to stick around and bump into Amy every five minutes either. And so he had stayed in town, wondering around and going for a drink at the Steampacket, before quickly gulping down the last of his beer when he realised how out of place he felt in such an establishment. The Imperial would always be home.**

**He then walked in on something he had not been expecting to see, but the moment he did see it, everything finally became clearer. Suddenly Susie's abruptness on the telephone and the tone of her voice he had heard all made sense. Because she now looked as different as she had sounded. He had stood there and watched as she crumbled in his best friends arms, completely understanding.**

**And now he sat against the wall of the hallway outside Evan's room, one leg out straight in front of him, and the other bent at the knee, his elbow hanging off it. He wished he had a tennis ball to bounce back and forth against the opposing wall, if only for something to distract him from Amy, who sat almost a metre away from him, also leaning against the wall. They sat bored and worried, not knowing whether to leave or stay in case the two emerged from their hideaway. But as the minutes ticked by, Alex wanted more and more to stay and help his friends, and he got the feeling Amy and Kelly did as well, as neither of them made any attempts to move from their hallway waiting room.**

**As Alex took this in, his eyes connected with Amy's and he slowly began to understand her reasons, just by reading the look on her face. She stared at him briefly with apologetic eyes, and looked ready to say something constantly, even though it never came out. But he remained confused – was she apologising for being so uncaring about the state of his marriage, or for not returning the affections he confessed to her?**

**He sighed again and tore his eyes away from hers, wishing again that he had a tennis ball.**


	9. Everybody Hurts

Chapter 9 – _Everybody Hurts_

She half slept in his arms as he held her, allowing her tears to crust up the shirt he was wearing. He didn't seem to notice, or care. She laid close to him, still not having told him any details. But he wasn't pushing the issue. It was the kindest thing he could've done right then, because her strength was slowly slipping away with every moment that passed. But at least she was there with him now, she had made the trip. It was the right thing to do. And she had to tell him so.

My hands still shake

I reach for you

The reality of her condition suddenly confined her to the space that sat between them on the bed that Christmas Eve. She lowered her eyes as she went to speak, having to draw up the strength from deep within to even get out any sound. Everything was beginning to fade. "I'm not who you remember am I?" she asked, a whisper all that came out.

He shook his head, but still smiled down at her as she reached up and went to stroke his cheek but didn't quite make it. Instead, Evan grabbed her hand with his own and her fingers melted into his palm as he gripped her frail hand tightly. "I regret everything we never did Jonesy," she sobbed so quietly he almost didn't realise she had begun crying again.

"So do I," he whispered in his own reply.

She shook her head sadly, and her pale features became more prominent than ever in the dimly lit room that felt cold and still despite the summer weather in the outside world. "I just never said what I should have…" she admitted, her heart burning in disappointment. She longed to go back four years and right every wrong, and maybe tonight she wouldn't be in the position she was in.

Evan rushed to reassure her. "It's ok Suse," he comforted her quietly, even though he hated so much the fact they had never worked. It wasn't ok. He hated himself for not trying harder and he hated her for not saying everything she should have. Things could have been so different. Their relationship was one big regret that they could never ever rid themselves of. "Don't worry it now," he told her wistfully.

But it was all she could think of as the inevitable approached. She stared up at him again, more blankly than ever, but never a sadder look in her worn-out eyes. "I wanted to marry you, you know?" she cracked a tiny smile. "I wanted to have kids with you, have a mortgage, and a dog, and a station wagon…" He chuckled quietly at her dreams. He had wanted that too, but for so long had never known if the thoughts were reciprocated, and so never made a move. Now it was too late.

And then a hero comes along

With the strength to carry on

It was then that the tears started to fall from Evan's eyes as he realised what was coming, and how he could not stop it. He had to do it before it was too late and he never got the chance again. He sobbed into their linked hands and whispered a barely audible declaration. "Just remember that I love you Suse," he kissed her hand inside his and then placed his lips on hers and cursed whatever it was that had taken away her livelihood so cruelly and so quickly.

She lowered her eyes again as their lips parted and as the tears fell down her face silently, he held her as she slipped away.

In the arms of an angel  
Fly away from here  
From this dark cold hotel room  
And the endlessness that you fear


	10. Holding On

Chapter 10 – _Holding On_

By 11pm the Imperial Hotel was empty and it was a good thing too, because the mood had soured considerably for the publican and her favourite bunch of coppers. As Chris exited her office she kicked at the table leg angrily and walked away as the small cd player clattered to the floor and ceased playing its merry Christmas carols. She walked out into the bar area and then into the public domain where she met sombre faces that only mirrored her own.

The chairs had been stacked on the tables half an hour earlier and all but one table had been left uncleaned. It was this table that Chris had been wiping when Tom had wondered in, wanting some company and upon hearing voices upstairs had disappeared to see if they were his former colleagues. Moments later he had come back down, a blank look in his eyes, and told Chris the unimaginable news. She had locked herself in her office for more than 10 minutes with her head in her hands, leaving Tom to sit numbly in one of only the few chairs left sitting upright in the public bar. He sat forward slightly, and with his hands on his knees, tried to control his emotions. How could he have lost another one?

Here we are as in olden days,  
Happy golden days of yore.  
Faithful friends who are dear to us  
Will be near to us once more.

As Chris approached her life old friend, the others plodded slowly down the stair case, back into the blinding light of a world without their friend. They sat around the table silently and tried to draw strength from each other, but there was none left. A death so sudden had shattered their festive occasion and not one person had a word to say or a look to give to another. So they simply sat and felt the death of their colleague engulf them as the fairy lights from the tiny Christmas tree on the end of the bar sparkled on their drawn faces. They always seemed to gather there when one of their own passed away – it was like a death meeting point, and they dreaded every time it happened.

Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow  
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

By the early hours of Christmas morning they began to drift away slowly, cop by cop. Kelly hugged each of them desperately as she left, unable to remain any longer. As she hugged her old Senior Sargeant he cupped her face in his hands like a father would his daughter and told her silently that he understood her pain while she cried into his hands and then into his shoulder. She had cried the entire time, from the moment Alex finally pushed open the door to Evan's room to see what had happened to the moment she walked out of the Imperial Hotel and into the 2am darkness on Christmas Day. Tom followed her out, an arm around her shoulders, and offered to drive her home. She could barely walk to the car.

Still inside, Amy and Alex sat still in their chairs, facing Chris, who propped her head up with her hands. The tears trickled through her fingers and her mascara ran jaggedly down her face in tiny thin black tendrils. Her pale skin had long been blotchy from her heartache and with distraught eyes, she looked up and over and the two cops that remained in front of her. They still had no words to say to even begin to describe how they felt. Chris had always had wails and reasons to cry out when someone close to her had died, and she had always toasted them with a good hit of something strong. But not tonight.

An hour later Amy finally gave up. She couldn't close her eyes, but she could no longer sit at that table. She pushed out her chair and stood up, surprising Chris and Alex, and wanted to shrug her shoulders at them, or hug them, or cry a little more. But nothing came out. So she simply walked out of the bar and into the foyer. She stopped for a moment and looked towards the exit, and then she looked in the direction of the staircase. She knew which route she was to take and placed her hand on the banister, guiding her way up the stairs and back to the hallway. She unlocked her door and plodded inside before quickly gathering a blanket and a few pillows from off the bed and headed back out into the hallway. Should her friend need her, she would be there anytime he chose to come out.


	11. The Prayer

**Chapter 11 – _The Prayer_**

**Alex felt compelled to follow Amy, even though he didn't know where she was going. She had gone upstairs, but beyond that, he knew nothing. But when Chris stood up and walked away, wishing him a sobby Merry Christmas as she went to her room, he decided to go upstairs also. He couldn't go home. How could anyone understand what this meant more than the people in this hotel? He was going to stay, even if it meant sleeping on the floor in the hallway.**

**And when he got upstairs there was Amy, not in her room, but crouched by Evan's door, placing her pillows on the carpet and spreading a blanket on the floor. She heard him approach and looked over her shoulder as he stood behind her, his ache for his friends death still so raw. She at last showed some emotion and smiled a kind smile at him, getting up and going back to her room to gather yet more pillows and blankets.**

**A few minutes later they laid down in the secluded hallway, facing each other, and unknowingly closer than they had ever been before. They were lying closer together than they had sat together earlier in the evening, but now things were so different. There was an unspoken bond between them now, the bond that Susie had created, and which left a lasting impression within the two of them. **

**In the darkness Alex spoke up quietly, his aimed directly at Amy of course. And she of course was still awake, unable to even close her eyes for fear of what she might see there. "I don't want to happen to us what happened to them," he admitted to her motioning with his eyebrow to the room with the door tightly closed. Amy stared at him, an ever ready remark about to spring from her mouth. But Alex didn't let her. "Yes us," he insisted. "We're friends aren't we?"**

"**Of course," she replied, now embarrassed that he had doubted their friendship for even a moment. She knew if he had doubted it, it had been her fault almost entirely.**

**He reached out from under his blanket and grabbed a hold of her hand. She pulled away instinctively the moment their skins touched, but he had a firm grip, and he kept a hold of it in the darkness, not allowing her to pull away. "Can I just ask one question?"**

**She nodded, horrified, as her eyes flicked from him to their hands and back to him again. They were at their closest yet. She didn't need to give him the permission to ask a question – he was going to anyway, and she knew it.**

"**Why don't you love me?" he asked, a tinge of sadness coming through in his still defiant tone – the tone he had used the entire time they had been in Mt Thomas the last few days.**

**She didn't know what to answer. How had it come to this? She had wanted something to happen between them so much when they had stood in the carpark and then when she had gone to his wedding and when they had sat on the curb their first night back in town. But then she had just pulled away, not wanting to do anything stupid – just as she had told Alex.**

"**Why do you love me?" she asked, disregarding his question. "Why?" she didn't see anything about her that was worthy of loving. What was the big attraction? Why did he seem so set on loving her? "Is it because you and Rhiannon aren't working out?"**

**Alex frowned in response, his mood lowering even more as she mentioned his tattered marriage. "Yes…" he admitted, frowning harder. "…and no." He sighed. "God Amy, why can't you just give me a straight answer? Don't I deserve that after 2 years of missing you?" he sounded so genuine that Amy gasped slightly.**

"**Yes," she admitted with a whisper. "I didn't know that you missed me." She didn't say out loud what she had been feeling.**

"**I did," he whispered, still holding onto her hand. She had begun to at last relax in his grip.**

"**I didn't want to come to your wedding," she admitted, somewhat out of the blue.**

"**I didn't want you to come either…" he seemed uncomfortable telling her. "…because if you hadn't have come I might've tried harder to forget about you, because you weren't there to remind me."**

"**But why do you want me, when you have your supermodel lying beside you at night?" she asked, genuinely wondering. As soon as she said it though she realised that tonight she was lying beside him, even if it was just on the floor of a hotel hallway.**

"**Rhiannon is beautiful…but she's not like you," he was aware of how clichéd it sounded. "I missed you the moment you drove out of the carpark," he admitted it like he was ashamed of his love for her. "I knew I'd never see you again," he went on. "Because you were going to homicide and no one ever comes back from there the same."**

"**Never?" she asked, afraid.**

"**Well…" he stammered, suddenly unsure of his previous observations of those who'd gone to homicide. "Are you the same?"**

**It took her a few seconds to come up with an answer, but in the end she told the truth because she couldn't think of anything else to say. "No," she stared down at their hands, still placed delicately atop the blankets. She knew she wasn't. The truth hurt.**

**He simply raised his eyebrows at her in the dark, too kind to say a blatant 'I told you so'. They sighed, one after the other, realising the awful mess their lives had become. Unhappy in his marriage, Alex longed to be with her. Unhappy in her job, Amy longed for a life of excitement, of passion, of good friends, of a social life – anything but what she had now. **

**Unaware they were thinking the same thing, they let their minds drift to their friend for a moment, if only to put a stop to the awful realisation of their own troubles. For hours no sound had come from the room with the closed door, and they both shuddered at what lie in there. It was too horrible to imagine, yet Evan remained by Susie's side, always the one that picked her up. Always her hero. He would never be the same either. Not after this.**

**As dawn broke on Christmas morning they finally drifted into sleep there in the hallway. Before Amy's eyes closed though, she said a silent prayer. She had never prayed before, but hoped that in this terrible time of need, she would be listened to. It was a prayer for Susie. For Evan. For Alex. For Tom. For Chris. For Kelly. For herself. All they had left was each other.**


	12. For Each Other

From Brindy: Thanks for all your reviews guys! Please keep them up, I just love hearing what you think of each chapter 

Chapter 12 – _For Each Other_

Christmas Day was quiet for the cops, and for Chris Riley. The pub remained closed, and even though Chris served up Christmas lunch, it went cold, barely touched by her friends. They sat sombrely around the table in the secluded, quiet dining room, finally free of its usual mayhem and noise. But they couldn't eat their food. Still, it seemed to strengthen them the fact they were all together. Well almost. Evan remained upstairs and the door to his room remained closed. It had only opened when they had come to take Susie away. Since then it had remained closed, knocks going unanswered and pleas to emerge ignored.

Amy sat at the table, her left hand on the table doing nothing in particular as her right hand fiddled with her water glass. She still felt the impact of Susie's death hang over the group, and she thought back to just three days ago when everything had been ok and she had been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas break with her old friends. It had all but been shattered through no fault of their own. It was just the cruel way of the world, she reasoned. And it sucked.

Later, she found herself again in the parlour, just like the previous afternoon before everything had changed. Only this time she didn't have a newspaper to read. She no longer had the strength to sit around the bar and stare at everyone else's blank faces and devastated expressions – her own was getting her down enough already, and she couldn't take anymore. But being alone meant she thought so much more about what had happened to her over the last couple of days. And with Christmas Eve still fresh on her mind after everything that had taken place in just that one short night, she couldn't help but think of Alex and what he had said to her.

Admitting to her that he missed her had really hit home. She never even dreamt that he might have felt that way about her and so had done her best to dismiss her feelings for him, so sure they weren't going to be returned if they ever made it into the real world. But she had had no idea just how much she would miss Alex once she left Mt Thomas. And suddenly they were forced to confront each other and everything just came flooding out, and most of it what everything Amy had always pledged to keep from him.

But what was she going to do? The situation was so messed up. Had they let their guards down because of Alex's marriage woes? Or was it because of Susie's death? Was it because of their combined love and respect for both Jonesy and Susie? Or, maybe, was it just because time had been waiting to pull them together again, just to see one another and be in the same room again, for the chance to just admit what they had been keeping away from view for three years? It scared Amy to realise she had made herself so vulnerable.

As she stared off into space, replaying their conversation in the hallway the night before and trying to remember how it had felt to have him hold her hand, Evan finally plodded down the stairs, having emerged from his cave. She knew it was him – she had always been able to tell if Evan was near by the sound of his footsteps and the way he banged things as he went past. When he was angry he banged and slammed and when he wasn't he plodded along like a lost soul.

She got up and approached the door to the parlour, peaking out, her hands on the wood finish of the old doors. She stared at Evan hard enough for him to notice and he looked up and looked at her with devastated eyes. Amy knew she had to be there for him. They always seemed to be there for each other one way or the other, and tonight was when it was needed more than ever. She approached as he stood motionless at the bottom of the staircase, and rubbed his forearms as he stared at the ground, trying to hold in his tears.

"I don't want to fall apart Amy," he whispered, sounding ashamed. He swallowed hard. He was so determined to maintain a strong façade – that of a Homicide detective. But he was beginning to struggle.

"It's ok Evan," Amy answered, giving him a hug. "Never be ashamed to fall apart in front of me. I've seen it all." She had. And she knew it. Not many things about human nature fazed her anymore. Except when it came to her own life. And anything concerning Alex.

He held in his tears for longer than she expected and wrapped his arms tightly around her in desperation. He had never expected to lose Suse – not in this way anyway, even though he had lost her in the relationship sense a million times over – and Amy couldn't make up for that, but he needed to be with his friends. He knew they understood. And so he considered what Amy told him. There was no shame in falling apart. Because friends were always there to pick up the pieces. A tear slipped off his cheek and onto Amy's shoulder there by the staircase as Christmas Day began to fade away.

An hour later Amy found herself back in the parlour. Evan, exhausted, had returned to his room to attempt some sleep, even though it was only 7pm. Amy knew if she tried the same thing, sleep would never come. She had too much on her mind, pressure of which had only become greater when she had so kindly offered to help shoulder some of Evan's grief. She sat numbly in the leather armchair, staring at the ceiling, constantly being overcome with grief and trying to stop her tears. Suddenly she needed someone to shoulder her grief as well, but there was no one.

"Amy?" A voice at the door. Who else but Alex? She sighed a wobbly sigh, surprisingly herself with how upset she sounded. She couldn't even breathe steadily let alone answer him. What was happening to her? She looked at him, her brow creased in sorrow as she sat small in the lonesome parlour. He sensed her sadness as he took in her stature before him and wanted to cry as she was. But he didn't. He needed to be there for her. But he wanted to in more ways than one, most of which were not appropriate at that moment. He walked over to her, leant down, his hands on the arm rests, and placed a kiss on her forehead. It was a kiss of friendship, of alliance, and of comfort. He could tell it was what she needed. As he pulled away she cast her eyes upward to look into his.

"I'm just going to go to bed," she whispered, her body all of a sudden feeling incredibly weary. She pushed herself up and out of the chair and brushed past Alex toward the door. She gave him an appreciative look – he had extended himself to her for a brief second to try to make her feel better, and she was grateful for the gesture.

But Alex was feeling bold, and went a step further, maybe a step further than he should have, and as Amy exited the parlour he grabbed for her hand, and pushed his lips onto hers, setting her ram rod straight against the parlour wall, just inside the door. She didn't respond at all, paralysed with fear that a man was forcing his lips onto hers.

I see the passion in your eyes

Sometimes it's all a big surprise

Her hands up defensively by her shoulders she pushed off from the kiss, frowning hard. She looked at him, so taken aback and hurt more than ever that she couldn't think of a thing to say. He stared back at her, waiting for a reaction, but her face said it all. She ran out of the parlour, still looking at him over her shoulder. Her eyes brimmed with tears that spilled over as she reached the stairs and ran up them, away from him. Away from everything. Like Evan, she cowered in her room, engulfed in unhappiness. She buried her face in her pillow as she cried, and was never more surprised than when a knock came at the door.

There's a certain line you just don't cross and he crossed it

Reluctantly, she got up to answer it. It was Alex. He just wouldn't go away. She frowned at him angrily as he stood before her at the door. "I don't love you Alex!" she cried, frustrated and upset. But that was all it took for him to go away. His face suddenly looked like hers had earlier when he had kissed her, and he walked back down the hall, his head in his hands. She watched as he walked away from her, pushing his hands jaggedly through his hair. He knew he'd screwed it. They were never going to go anywhere now! He smacked the wall hard with his hand as he descended down the stairs and Amy closed her door, not wanting to watch him any longer.

That night she laid in bed, disbelieving of how shit her Christmas had turned out. Alex had totally ruined it all. How could he have done that? He didn't know her enough obviously, and so he was seriously dreaming when he thought he could begin a relationship with her. He was dreaming anyway, because Amy knew she was destined to always have trouble with love. No one seemed to be able to break her mould. Did she even want them too? Men had betrayed her in the past, and she had meant it when she had told Alex she didn't want to do anything stupid. But he had done it anyway, and she wanted no part in it. How could he just assume he knew her like that?

On the other hand, had she really meant what she said to him? Did she really not love him? She _had _longed for companionship. She _had_ longed for someone to hold her hand. She _had_ longed for arms to cry in. She _had_ wanted him to make a move in the carpark before she left for Homicide and again the night she had arrived in Mt Thomas. And dare she admit it to herself, she _had_ wished that he had married her instead of that airhead blonde that refused to socialise with her husbands friends. How could he have married her? He wasn't meant for her. But was he meant for me? She thought to herself. She was never sure, and it was what held her back. She did want to kiss him, and have him hold her and sleep beside her like he had the previous night, but he had moved too fast for her, and she had gotten cold feet.

I was fine before you walked into my life


	13. Missing An Angel

Chapter 13 – _Missing an Angel_

The following night Kelly forced herself to go to the Imperial again. It had been more than 24 hours since she had last been there, and it was hard going back, with all the memories attached to it now, still like open wounds. But she went. For Susie.

The six of them sat around a table in the beer garden at sunset and raised their glasses to their friend. Tears streamed down their faces as they clinked their glasses together, but they knew they were doing the right thing. Susie deserved a thousand toasts for how she had lived her life, for how she had made a difference in the community and for how deeply she had enriched the lives of her friends. As they drank silently they missed her then more than ever.

Again they sat quietly around the table, just needing to be together. They were all trying so hard to retain their composure's for the sake of each other and their reputations, even though never would any of them dream of looking down on someone for falling apart. But they kept their chins up anyway. Several times Kelly wavered, as did Evan, but an arm around the shoulder from the person next to them always helped that and they all went home feeling slightly better than they had when they'd arrived.

Torturously, Alex and Amy remained the last ones at the table. As Evan got up to leave he leaned over Amy chair and pecked her on the cheek. "Thanks for…" he stammered, embarrassed. "…being there last night." He smiled shyly at her, his eyes full of admiration and appreciation.

You're the one who held me up  
Never let me fall  
You're the one who saw me through it all

She smiled in return. "Anytime," she answered quietly. He walked back to his room, a tiny smile on his face – a real accomplishment given the heartbreak he had recently been dealt. He knew he would never get over this – she had been the one he had wanted to marry as well, but he had his friends. And, inside he truly knew that heaven was the place she belonged. They'd been missing their angel. He sighed as he walked upstairs. He would miss her more than he could say.

Outside Alex and Amy regarded each other wearily as Christmas carols filtered into the beer garden from next door. Neither seemed to have the strength left to make the effort to try to salvage their friendship any longer. So they sat there for a while, trying to enjoy the night air and the splendour of the fairy lights that wound around the palms that bordered the beer garden.

Finally Amy looked over at Alex beside her. She almost felt bad for what she had said the night before. "You went too fast last night Alex," she whispered, feeling shy and vulnerable again.

"I'm sorry," he replied, almost like it was an automatic answer to everything.

She stared at him, wanting so badly for him to understand her point of view. "You can't just…rush into these things," she informed him quickly realising how stupid it sounded. What do I know? She thought to herself. Maybe rushing into love _is_ the best way to do things? She shrugged at him. "Not with me anyway."

"Look, Amy," he replied. "You don't have to explain. I get it now. I won't bring it up again!" he got up and walked away from the table, shocking Amy as she remained seated.

"Alex!" she gasped. She rubbed at her temples in aggravation. "It's not that," she pressed on, hoping it would make him stop walking away.

It did. "What then?" he looked as tired as she did.

"You don't understand me," she admitted quietly. "And how I work with men." She gave him a desperate look as she said it. "And you just assumed that you did last night, and that's why I said what I did."

"So you didn't mean it then?" he asked, confused.

Amy screwed up her face, knowing she would have to tell the truth, because nothing else was going to come out. She shrugged her shoulders as she spoke. "Not exactly." Upon hearing this, Alex began to smile. "But you have to understand that this won't happen overnight," she insisted vehemently. "Even if you want it to." Alex nodded, his smile widening. "You don't know as much about me as you might think."

Kiss me at midnight

Dance until the morning light

Party into the new year

All of my friends are here

And when the time is right

Kiss me at midnight

Alex sat down beside her again and smiled, taking her hand. "So we can start over?" he asked timidly, all of a sudden as shy as she was.

She looked at him, fear still in her scarred eyes. She nodded ever so slightly. No matter how much she told herself she didn't, she really did long to be with him, because he was the one who she saw as being able to understand her the greatest.

Alex bowed his head in a quiet revelation. "Thank God," he admitted. "Because I would've had a bloody hard time walking away from you again." He looked up at her and smiled. "Especially when you look so beautiful." This time he grinned and stood up and extended his hand to her. "Dance with me?"

I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight

Graciously and nervously, she accepted, and he pulled her out of her chair and onto the small gravel area that didn't have any tables crowding it. They stood facing each other, awkwardness bubbling between their bodies as they tried to join hands in a hold. A fumble later, they got it and swayed to the music that still drifted into the beer garden from next door. She, with her head close to his shoulder, out of eye contact with him, smiled to herself quietly as he, out of eye contact with her, used one finger from their joined hands to feel the hair that hung loose on her shoulders like it always did.

The lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek  
There's nobody here, it's just you and me,

It's where I wanna be   
But I hardly know this beauty by my side  
I'll never forget, the way you look tonight

They made no attempt to go upstairs or say goodnight to each other – they simply basked in the moonlight as the music played quietly, tinkering away in the night. Animated and very unlike her normal self, Amy danced on with Alex, actually enjoying the feeling of being so close to him – a total backflip from the night before when she had been frightened of any contact whatsoever. And so when he pulled away from her to look into her eyes, she didn't avoid the gaze. He leant his forehead on hers and their noses almost touched. Delicately, slowly, Alex leaned down and kissed her gracefully, drawing it out and letting her know his true intentions. She smiled as they parted lips. Alex had learnt his first lesson in how she needed to be treated.


	14. Time Has a Way

**Chapter 14 – _Time Has a Way_**

**Boxing Day ended quicker than imagined for those staying at the Imperial, and before they knew it, the hype of Christmas was over. There seemed to be no reason to stay in Mt Thomas any longer. Evan returned to Melbourne and Kelly returned to St David's, both farewelling the sleepy town they loved reluctantly. It was the only place they had all always been together, and the lasting memory of Susie lingered there, and above all else, they didn't want to forget her, and leaving to go back to their usual lives meant leaving the best of her memory behind. The crew hugged and kissed and waved out their windows as they exited the Imperial carpark, back to their stagnant lives and non existent personal relationships.**

**Amy, Alex and Tom waved them off. It was well and truly the end of their Christmas celebrations – celebrations that had turned sour, but an end none the less. Tom Croydon followed Evan and Kelly, but on foot, waving his former detective and sergeant goodbye. He walked home feeling better than he had a week earlier though. He had seen his team again, and it had turned out to be exactly what he needed. He had lost so many close to him in the last decade that he could deal with Susie's death so much better than his colleagues, but as he walked home he knew he would still miss her. They all would.**

**In the driveway Amy turned to Alex suddenly and spoke. "I should probably get going as well," she felt embarrassed and a little shy still, despite their pleasant closeness of the night before out in the beer garden. She was so reluctant to leave, but knew she had to. She was due back at work. And as much as she wanted to stay in this quiet country town with all the familiar scents and sights she had grown to love so much, she couldn't. She knew it would test the new situation with Alex, but she felt like it needed to be done if their relationship, if that was what it was going to be, was going to be for real or mean nothing.**

**Alex was more reluctant than she though. He frowned as she informed him she had to leave and even felt a little confused. Where were they supposed to go now? What were they going to become? Was the night before a simple one off? Alex thought Amy knew better than that, and continued to frown. But he didn't want to push it. He had already made that mistake once. Things were going to be done at her speed or not at all.**

**So he tried to turn his frown into a smile as she waited for him to answer. She sensed his confusion, just by the look on his face, and it made her want to give him good news. Alex stubbed his toe nervously into the driveway. "Sure…" he replied sadly. "But…" he hesitated. "What are you doing New Years Eve?" he said it in a rush, as if fully expecting her to knock him back. Was his question also pushing it? He was so unsure, but it came out of his mouth anyway.**

**Maybe it's much too early in the game  
Ah, but I thought I'd ask you just the same  
What are you doing New Year's  
New Year's Eve?**

**And she smiled in reply. Truthfully, she didn't know what she was doing for New Years Eve. She didn't know if she would spend it with Alex, or back in the office, doing paperwork and standing at the window at midnight watching the fireworks that spilled over the city sky, like she had the previous two years. So she gave him an answer that frustrated him. But inside she was dying from the intensity of the situation.**

**It's all you had to say**

**To take my breath away**

"**I don't know yet Alex," she answered, still nervous and tentative about taking risks with this man and admitting anything she might be feeling. So with that she drive away. He stood rooted to the spot, his hand sin his pockets, frowning. Whatever he might have with Amy, he reasoned, was never strictly one way or the other. It always hovered in the middle somewhere, and it always drove him mad. But he knew it was up to her now. He'd done all he could.**


	15. Addicted to You

Chapter 15 – _Addicted To You_

Amy drove back to Melbourne with a heavy heart and a strong feeling she was leaving everything she longed to be back in Mt Thomas. With every sign she passed and every kilometre she drove she got further and further away from it, and by the time she was pulling into the carpark behind her flat, she was hastily wiping the tears from her eyes that had welled all the way home. She had left Alex behind. What had that said about her commitment to him? The commitment she had made to herself when she had escaped Melbourne before Christmas, ashamed of her life and the way she lived and determined to go back to Mt Thomas and find her old self again?

But she walked inside and couldn't even look at the phone. The thought of calling him scared her, and she turned her mobile onto silent so she couldn't hear him if he tried to reach her. What would she say? 'I want to spend new years with no one else in this world but you?' It might've been the truth, but someone like Amy Fox could never say that out loud. So she went to bed, lying on top of the sheets as a lack of summer breeze filtered through her open window, and tried to think of a way to get out of spending new years eve with the man she lusted after. She even shuddered at the thought of HER _lusting_ after someone. Lusting? Since when had she lusted over anyone? This was new.

The next few days were torturous, as Alex was never far from her mind. And December 31 arrived and without knowing why, Amy walked out of the office at 5:30pm. She caught herself as she walked across the carpark behind the Homicide building and sat for several moments in the seat of her car, wondering what the hell she was about to do. She drove home in a daze and thought some more, and then before she knew it, she was heading back to Mt Thomas for the second time in two weeks. What would he say when she got there? Would he be back in the arms of Rhiannon by then, thinking when she drove away from him they were over even before they'd really begun?

Maybe I'm crazy to suppose  
I'd ever be the one you chose  
Out of a thousand invitations  
You'd receive

But she kept driving anyway and it was well after 9pm when she drove past the sign again. "Welcome to Mt Thomas" it read, shining brightly in her headlights. She pushed down her little flurrying feeling of excitement she had in the pit of her stomach to be back here so soon, because she knew she was taking one hell of a risk, not even calling, not even texting, not even letting him know what she was doing this new years eve. She just hoped she could find him, because even though she didn't know what to say, she knew she wanted to be with him that night. She hoped feverishly as she drove that he would understand.

She knew he was stationed at Widgeree, but would he be there? She didn't want to drive straight through Mt Thomas on her way to his station and pass him without even knowing it. Because if she got there and he wasn't there then she knew that that would be the sign that she wasn't meant to spend the occasion with him. It would be all it would take to send her scurrying back to Melbourne, forever afraid of the unknown.

When she reached the station, her heart fell lower inside her chest. It was already feeling pretty heavy with the anticipation of what might happen, and so when all she saw was a lonesome dim light on on the verandah, she gave a moan, louder than expected, and surprised herself with how disappointed she felt. She had come all this way, and he probably wasn't even there. But she wasn't going to give it up that easily. She dug her heals in and leant against her car, determined to wait all night if she had to. She was going to see him.

This determination lasted for all of 15 seconds before she lurched herself off the car and walked across the wide expanse of lawn and towards the door to the tiny Widgeree station. Half way across the grass she looked up to see a light flick on in the back room of the building. She gasped. He was there. It made her run. She jumped up onto the verandah and stood breathless at the door, so eager to knock but so not ready at the same time.

Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight  
When it's exactly twelve o'clock that night  
Welcoming in the New Year  
New Year's Eve

As she pondered this, terrified, the door sprang open. "Amy," Alex breathed, shocked yet pleased to see her. They held back from jumping on each other, but not by much. She looked at him, apologetic for her hasty farewell days before, and desperate in need of anything he could offer her. The tears spilled down her cheeks as they connected in the doorway in a quick moment of passion. But she refused to think about all the time she had wasted being scared. Everything that mattered was beginning right now. It was him that was holding her on New Years Eve.

We'll be making promises in the dark

Our resolutions

As a brand new year is about to start

And we're together

What followed was a year of tooing and froing between Mt Thomas and Melbourne. He stayed and she commuted as Alex sorted out his marriage back in Widgeree. Amy still felt uncomfortable having come between a marriage – a link Amy had always thought really meant something to two people – and so she tactfully stayed away throughout January and February, only visiting when she missed his company so much that she could no longer stay away a moment longer. She would then drive through the night to get back to visit him and they would sit together in her car because there was nowhere else they could be alone, and she would often fall asleep beside him on the backseat. When morning came he would walk to work, grab a spare uniform from out of the closet just inside the station front door and she would join the peak hour traffic to get back to Melbourne for her morning shift. Nobody ever knew but the two of them.


	16. Without You

**Chapter 16 – _Without You_**

**Twelve months passed quickly for the group, yet slowly at the same time. They remained in their mundane jobs, and remained in their mundane homes every weeknight. Not much changed. They always said they'd get out, but they never did. From their jobs or their homes. There were small changes here and there, some good, some bad. Tom got out more, and kept the garden up. Rotary welcomed him back with open arms after an absence of more than four years. Evan was promoted in Homicide, and was just a hairs breadth under Amy now, proving that even if he disliked his job, he couldn't have been too bad at it. Still made him wonder if it was worth doing though if he didn't enjoy it. Room 7 at the Imperial was never rented out to visitors again. It remained the room that they all had lost their beloved friend in, and Chris couldn't bare to have others sleep in it.**

**Alex's split from Rhiannon was finalised by February and she flitted off to the city in her highest heels and shortest skirt informing Alex that their marriage was the biggest mistake she had ever made. He was upset at her words, but knew that really, it had been the biggest mistake of his life also. Needless to say, it was a bitter parting. Alex remained in the watch house behind Widgeree, and took care of the little town all by himself. Occasionally he was treated to visits from Amy, although these remained far and few between until Rhiannon was well off the scene. He got the feeling she didn't want to intrude, but he longed to tell her that he needed her during those tumultuous first few months of the new year more than at any other time. But he didn't. They still had a lot to learn about each other.**

**By autumn they saw more of each other. It still remained a tentative relationship, and one that was restricted by distance, but they pushed it enough so that it stayed afloat the whole year long. By Christmas though, another gathering invitation was all the excuse Amy needed to really get away from Melbourne again and spend some time with Alex in Widgeree. Like the year before, she departed Melbourne on December 22, but drove straight through Mt Thomas, stopping only when she got to Widgeree. **

**She hopped out of the car and into the afternoon sun, grateful to be able to stretch her legs after the long journey. She looked up and over at the station, and it had the aura about it that disappointed her. He was out. She wondered over to the verandah and plonked herself down, hoping she wouldn't be waiting all afternoon. Then she proceeded to roll her eyes at her hope – she had forgotten that jobs in the country always took all afternoon. Not like in the city where you got someone's details and hightailed it out of there before you got your hands dirty. People were just numbers in the city, but not in the country. In the country you chopped branches off people's trees, and you knew their kids names and you sat in their kitchen and drank tea with them. Amy missed the country life. Alex was probably doing exactly that – cutting down someone's tree branches that were hanging over a power pole or a property line. She settled in for a long wait.**

**Luckily he returned half an hour later, pulling into the driveway of the station with a roar from the four wheel drive. Hopping out and setting his feet on the ground, he put his hand up to his forehead to shield the sunlight from his eyes. He squinted in her direction and smiled a pleasant 'I'm so glad work is over for today and I have come home to this' sort of smile. Walking over to her at the verandah, he grabbed her hand and hauled her up to standing. "How long have you been waiting?" he asked her quietly as they stood close.**

**She shrugged her shoulders. "Not long," she promised, smiling back. She wouldn't have cared if she'd had to wait all afternoon – the country air filled her lungs and Alex held her hand on the front lawn and no one else was around and she was away from work, and damn it felt great. It felt so great that she actually made the first daring move – something that didn't happen very often at all, with either of them – and pressed her lips into his and they stood kissing in the late afternoon sun. **

**On Christmas Eve they drove into Mt Thomas together, just quiet and contemplative during the journey. It was the catch up time of year again – how had it gone so fast? It had been a hard year, one full of twists and turns, and one where they had missed their friend more as every day passed. Would they all file back into the Imperial this Christmas Eve and have changed yet again from what they had been last year? Or would they all be well relieved to return to the group of people that knew them the best? Amy and Alex turned it over and over in their heads as they approached the hotel.**

**They walked across the carpark with their hands linked, but let them go as they walked inside. They weren't ready to tell anyone else yet. They didn't need to know. Tonight they were just going to catch up with old friends and to wish everyone a merry Christmas. Later they could go back to being together, when they were alone.**

**Walking through the busy Imperial bar, Amy and Alex saw none of their old comrades in the room, and silently agreed to immediately try the beer garden. Odds were that was where they would be. And they were. Evan, Kelly and Tom sat waiting for Amy and Alex and as they joined the group Chris bustled out with a tray of drinks – 7 glasses in all. One for each of them, including herself, and one that would remain on the tray in the middle of the table, untouched, in memory of who they were missing that Christmas Eve.**

**Tom took the lead, swiftly slipping into the role that was always made for him when he was in the company of these people, and raised his glass high, smiling. "Merry Christmas you old coppers," he joked, slugging down his drink after they had clinked glasses. The replies immediately tumbled out from the rest of the group.**

"**Old?!"**

"**Merry Christmas!"**

"**I think we need another one Chrissy!"**

"**To the holiday ahead!"**

"**Only the good die young."**

"**Another one for _her_…"**

**Here we are as in olden days,  
Happy golden days of yore.  
Faithful friends who are dear to us  
Will be near to us once more**

**Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow  
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now**

From Brindy: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, it has been fantastic hearing from all of you (even you Jakc!) I am glad you have enjoyed the fic :D


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